ARIZONA – Faced with a difficult primary challenge from J.D. Hayworth in his senatorial re-election bid, Sen. John McCain announced today that he’s actually a vampire, like in the “Twilight” movies.

“Yeah, you kids love vampires, dontcha,” said McCain, wearing a cape. “Well I’m a romantic, hunky, super-conservative vampire. Bella!!”

The announcement came as McCain struggled to identify with an increasingly conservative movement throughout his home state of Arizona. Earlier in the day, McCain called on the U.S. to send the National Guard in to defend the U.S.-Mexico border.

McCain’s admissions and demands weren’t done, however, as he demanded the U.S. scrap Social Security, Medicare and welfare. The long-time Senator also demanded that the entire nation privatize police and fire departments, while stating that Glenn Beck and militias were “The Awesome,” and that Barack Obama was a Kenyan communist.

“Bella!” added McCain.

McCain later added that he knew how the TV show “Lost” would end, would audition for “American Idol” next year, world play point guard for Duke in the Final Four, that he was romantically linked to Kim Kardashian and had made a controversial sex tape with country singer Mindy McCready and baseball star Roger Clemens.

“Honestly, just tell me what you want, people, I’ll be it,” said McCain. “Bella!”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles