As Mitt Romney begins his general election battle against President Barack Obama, intrepid reporters and pundits have stumbled across something about him that should terrify us all – Mitt Romney hates cookies.

Recently, in Pittsburgh, Romney insulted cookies from Bethel Bakery. This insult has reverberated across the nation. What kind of man hates cookies? I’ll tell you – an evil man.

Using historical research methods perfected by Jonah Goldberg, I have discovered that some of the most heinous men in history share one common trait – they despised cookies.

Take Adolf Hitler, for example. So many lives could have been saved if people had just read this passage in his book:

“Ich verachte Cookies und sie müssen von der Erde vertrieben werden!”

Translation: “I hate cookies and they must be driven from the Earth.”

Or there is the case of Charles Manson, who once wrote this in a poem.

“Wie Cookies und Böse, Mann, vergiften sie die Milch und der Mann isst sie und Speckschwarte und dann töten die Säuglinge von der Freiheit.”

Translation: “Like cookies and evil, man, they poison the milk and the man eats them and pork rinds and then kill the babies of the freedom.”

Chilling stuff, indeed.

These are just two cases, but it is obvious that people like Stalin, Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro and countless other evil men have despised cookies. And no one has ever connected the two. It is time we see the truth behind cookie hatred – it is a sign of pure evil.

Am I saying that Mitt Romney will start a cult, commit genocide and put solar panels in the White House? Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying. That is why Cookiegate matters. In fact, it is the only thing that matters in the United States. Well, that and whatever Ted Nugent happens to say.

So remember, the coming election is about issues and you have two choice – a noted cookie lover in Barack Obama, or an evil, sick man like Mitt Romney who despises cookies and humanity. Choose correctly or pay the consequences.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles