Coming from a conservative upbringing, I have long held strong beliefs about marriage and the commitment that comes with eventually destroying said marriage. So when I married more than seven years ago, I set out on a path to make mine the most traditional marriage and divorce as possible. As my marriage has evolved, I have followed conservative principles as best as I could so I could have the type of marriage that emulated those of American heroes John McCain, Ronald Reagan and Rudy Giuliani. These men had cleared a path showing us all that wives were to be cheated on and then divorced.

Like these great men before me, I have spent a lot of time fighting with my wife, losing interest in her, being mentally and emotionally cruel to her and finally ignoring her entirely. According to the examples set for me, I was showing myself to be the perfect heterosexual husband. A well-earned divorce would most assuredly be mine.

But things have not worked out as I had planned. My wife has shown herself to be openly hostile to myself and my traditional divorce beliefs. At first, I believed that it was something I had done, but I realized this couldn’t be the case. Then I pondered on whether witches or other evil spirits had invaded my wife. My tests on this theory remain inconclusive. But it helped lead me to the ultimate explanation – the fabric of my divorce is being destroyed by Catholic leader Newt Gingrich.

Gingrich, you see, had long been the best example of what heterosexual marriage is all about. He would marry women, tire of them, cheat on them, and then divorce them. His conservative leadership in heterosexual marriage has been invaluable for millions of earnest, Christian, heterosexual men to follow.

These days, however, Gingrich has strayed from his traditional heterosexual marriage beliefs. Because while his current marriage started with such promise – he got together with his current wife while still married to another woman and while trying to impeach Bill Clinton for an extra-marital affair – it has slowly become something that is destroying the fabric of traditional divorce.

Gingrich has now been married to his third wife for going on nine years. And he has yet to publicly humiliate her by having a well-publicized affair. Basically, Gingrich has shown no interest in continuing to be an example for heterosexual men like myself. He has let us all down lo these nine years. He is destroying the fabric of my potential divorce.

You see, there has never been any scientific study done to prove that heterosexual men have a “commitment gene.” We heterosexual men have been given a gift from God – we can cheat and destroy our marriages at our own convenience. Gingrich has long been a heterosexual marriage champion, going so far as letting one of his previous wives know he didn’t want to be her husband anymore while she was recovering from cancer.

Some may say I’m overreacting. “Don’t worry, Bill. Newt will cheat again. Newt will get another divorce. Newt will embarrass and humiliate this latest wife as he did the first two.”

But I am not convinced. I am fearful that Gingrich has lost his conservative edge and may just stay married to his third wife. And by doing so, he’s making the rest of us – who believe the sanctity of marriage is defined by divorce – look bad.

So Newt, I implore you, please regain the strength of character that allowed you to repeatedly commit adultery. Show the world that traditional marriage, adultery and divorce are issues that you still believe in as much as you did while you were Speaker of the House. The future of heterosexual marriage, adultery and divorce are counting on it.

–WKW

Originally posted on May 17, 2009 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles