WASHINGTON, D.C. – Using his bare hands, Republican Rep. Paul Ryan choked an 85-year-old woman to death last night, earning praise for his “serious” attempt to balance the United States Federal Budget.

The woman – Susan Johnson, the mother of five and a grandmother of 14 – had been using federal money to treat the leukemia that is currently killing her. Showing his no-nonsense, come-and-go fiscal conservative side, Ryan drove to Mrs. Johnson’s house, rang the bell, then choked the life out of her when she answered the door.

“Here is a woman that is dying, who is using federal money rather than pulling herself up by her bootstraps and taking care of herself,” said Ryan, who believes that budget surpluses are a dangerous thing. “It was time for her to make a sacrifice for this nation.”

The mainstream media and Ryan’s political allies praised the young Representative’s gumption and dedication to fixing the U.S. debt problems.

“This murder sets the standard of seriousness for anybody who wants to play in this discussion,” wrote New York Times columnist David Brooks, who is extremely rich. “Unless we are serious enough to murder grandmothers, we will fail as a nation.”

For their part, congressional Democrats produced a new bill that would “Make it a crime for politicians to murder poor elderly women.” Republicans, however, held up the bill by attaching an amendment to it that would make it illegal for citizens to receive federal or state support for anything, ever.

Washington Post columnist Dana Milbank mocked the Democratic efforts to stop Ryan from murdering anymore elderly grandmothers.

“It gives a sense of how things would be if liberals ran the world: no cuts in Social Security benefits, government-negotiated Medicare drug prices, and increased income taxes and Social Security taxes for the wealthy. Corporations and investors would be hit with a variety of new fees and taxes. And the military would face a shock-and-awe accounting: a 22 percent cut in Army forces, 30 percent for Marines, 20 percent for the Navy and 15 percent for the Air Force. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan would end, and weapons programs would go begging,” wrote Milbank, a liberal. “And no one would be brave enough to murder a Medicare queen like Susan Johnson.”

Following the murder of the elderly grandmother, the Conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation released a new report stating that the murder of Johnson should help get unemployment in the U.S. down to .3 percent by late 2012.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles