William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Santa Claus cancels Christmas due to poor investments - Elves still to receive massive bonuses

    NORTH POLE - In an announcement many had feared, Santa Claus announced that he would be sitting out Christmas 2009 due to massive inventory problems. The cancellation will include all children, regardless of naughtiness or niceness.

    “We have profit margins to deal with here, and this year has been just awful for us,” said Claus, who in 2006 moved his major toy making factories from the North Pole to the Mariana Islands. “We’ve always been bold at Santa Claus Industries (SCI), and this year it just didn’t work out.”

    The main financial issue facing SCI involves the surplus of toys made by underpaid laborers in the Northern Marianas. As the toy surpluses grew, investment bankers began to combine the toys with security deriviatives within the housing market. When the housing bubble finally burst, the toys involved attained a negative value, meaning they cost money just to exist. Economist Jeffrey Sachs then proposed the idea to burn all the toys, which would, in effect, give them a positive value despite the fact that they didn’t exist.

    Through all of this, SCI continued to thrive on the stock market, reaching a high of $112.50 in September. The whole thing came crumbling down last week, when Mr. Claus began the arduous process of loading his sleigh with toys for children worldwide. It immediately became clear that there were, in fact, no toys whatsoever.

    “Ho-Ho-Huhhh?” reportedly said Claus.

    Hoping to assuage a Holiday catastrophe, President Barack Obama signed over a $45 billion restructuring package to put SCI back on track. The bill, however, contained several confusing amendments, meaning that $40 billion of the money went directly to Goldman Sachs executives.

    While many still felt that SCI could pull off a Christmas Miracle with the remaining $5 billion, Mr. Claus put his foot down, stating that he had promised Jeffrey Sachs and a group of high-ranking Elves large bonuses that would eat up the remaining money.

    “We have amazing talent here with Sachs and our Elves,” said Claus. “To take away their bonuses would mean we could lose them to the competition.”

    When told by a reporter that SCI actually had no competition, Mr. Claus threw a lump of coal at her.

    “You don’t understand the technicalities involved here, nor the the difficulties in trying to profit from a corporation known for giving things away,” said Claus. “This is a capitalist organization at SCI, and we need to show our stockholders a profit.”

    When asked what people should do in lieu of Christmas, Claus said that now could be a time to dabble in other belief systems like Scientology or Mormonism, “At least with them, you know you won’t get anything from your Christmas lists.”

    Despite the cancellation of Christmas and the complete destruction of their inventory, investors were impressed by the way SCI handled the potential financial crisis, and shares of SCI rose to $135.78.

    “SCI has turned a corner here with some very smart investing,” said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. “It’s true that Christmas will likely never be the same, but there are still plenty of semi-employed Marianaians out there thankful for this move. Plus investors are just cleaning up.”

    Still, not everyone was happy. Timmy Johnson, 8, of Tupelo Miss., said he was hoping for a life-saving liver transplant from Santa, but now saw that it would not be happening.

    "I still believe in Santa Claus," said Johnson, whose skin tone was roughly the shade of a ripe banana. "I just think he's a dick."



    This satire is actually less silly, and more on point, than the news is.

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