Nov. 23, 2015 — Stating that he’d “Grown bored with the bullshit,” God Almighty announced he was unleashing the Apocalypse some 900 years early.

“Time goes crazy fast for me and all, but this is unbearable,” said Almighty, 43, adding cryptically, “I have other civilizations to deal with.”

American Republicans reacted to the news with shouts of victory. The shouts of victory quickly turned to shouts of anger, as they are prone to in such circles. After a few brief skirmishes and not a small amount of tears, the shouts again turned to ones of victory.

Speaker of the House John Boehner said the divine demolition showed that President Barack Obama’s policies could not work.

“Yes, we obstructed every thing he tried. And that showed they don’t work,” said Boehner, blood pouring from his ears. “The Republican Party haw won. Good night.”

As flying, dripping monsters of the most unpleasant variety tore down mountainsides and vomited Palin bile at the fleeing masses, talk show host Rush Limbaugh played the race card. Again.

“And this is the final proof that a Black man should only be President if we’ve run out of Whites, Yellows, Browns and Reds,” said the Radio entertainer and de facto leader of the Conservative Party, as gargoyles gorged on his entrails and junkies raided his sock drawers. “And that’s not racist. You’re the racist.”

While Republicans cheered the end of the United States and the world as we know it, Democrats Ben Nelson and Joe Lieberman asked by bipartisan dialogue.

“Really, we can talk this out,” said Nelson. “Let’s just go along with Republicans and celebrate Obama’s failure, ok?”

For his part, God hinted at other life forms in the galaxy.

"There's got to be a planet of slugs or Mexican jump beans I could watch over," said G-d. "At least they are making an effort to evolve."

–WKW