BOISE – Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ today announced new plans for Heaven’s prayer service, as, starting Nov. 1, each Christian must pay a $75 per month “Listen to Your Prayers” Subscription fee.

“For too long now, we’ve allowed non-tithers to piggyback on true tithers,” said Christ, 30-ish. ” Now, you can still pray, but if you don’t pay, we won’t listen.”

The controversial Pay-for-Pray plan comes just days after a Tennessee man saw his house burn down, and have four of his pets burn to death as firefighters watched on, unwilling to help because the man had not paid his “subscription fee.” Christ said that such things are to be expected.

“If you don’t pay your $75 then that hurts Heaven,” said Christ, sporting a new grill. “We can’t use those resources and you would be sponging off your neighbor’s $75 if they answer your neighbor’s prayers and you didn’t pay for it.”

Christ went on to say that Heaven’s finances have been in turmoil since the economic crisis hit, and that a “lot” of money was invested with convicted fraudster Bernie Madoff.

“You’d think we’d have seen that coming,” said Christ.

The new subscription Listening Fee plan will start at $75, and go up 10 percent every year to keep up with inflation. Jesus said that it was a bargain at twice the price.

“Hearing your prayers matters. We’re talking your eternal soul, here people,” said Christ, noshing on a hot dog. “Just remember this – You shall enter God’s glorious kingdom if you accept Me as your one true savior. And pay the $75/month Prayer Subscription Fee. That’s all we ask.”

–WKW