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    Scientists discover that no matter how many guns you own, your penis will remain small and insignificant

    By William K. Wolfrum on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 8:25pm | Politics, Humor & Satire

    This man has a very sad penisSWEDEN - After a full decade of research, a team of Swedish scientists has confirmed that no matter how many guns a man owns, his penis will remain small and insignificant.

    "Ve look at ze mens wit ze guns and ve look at ze penis of zeese mens," said Dr. Sven Svenenberg of the Svenlandia Institute. "Itz veery zad. Ze penis is so wee."

    The research looked at 300 average American men who owned multiple guns. Those 300 were then weighed, measure, and found wanting. Following that, the men were then encouraged to buy even more guns over the next year. They were then were then weighed and measured again, and found wanting even more.

    "Ze penis iz so wee, still," said Dr. Svenenberg in an accent that no one could really identify. "Iz almozt of no uze. Like a wee pinkie toe."

    American scientist Tim Johnson said the research proved what has long been suspected - that owning guns for hunting and self-protection is generally a lie and that most men buy guns because they feel it will be an extension of their manhood.

    "We've known this all along. We call it the 'Glenn Beck Effect,'" said Johnson from his home office in Tupelo, Miss. "Not long ago, a Wikileaks document emerged showing a naked picture of Beck. Dude's hung like a pimple on a pimple. Then all of a sudden you start seeing the guy show up holding guns."

    Still, some have called the research misleading. Ron Schmeits, President of the NRA said that the problem was that the men in the research sample were not encouraged to buy enough guns.

    "These small men will get larger if they own more guns," said Schmeits, handing out checks to Republican congressmen on the steps of the nation's capital. "They need pistols and shotguns and guns that have guns attached to them and guns that shoot guns. That will fix them right up."

    But Dr. Svenenberg stood by his research.

    "Zey are so wee, it'z almozt to make me to laugh," said Dr. Svenenberg. "But no. I don't to laugh. Iz zad. Zo veery zad."

    --WKW

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    Topics: 
    Politics
    Humor & Satire

    Comments


    by Donal on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 8:46pm


    by tmccarthy0 on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 8:49pm

    tm, I kept trying to stop watching because I had other stuff to do.  I know this sounds silly, but it reminds me of a time when I was living overseas and rode my bicycle past a facility where cows were being let out of trucks -- mooing, and all kinds of noises.

    Came back hours later and realized it was a slaughter-house.  TOTAL SILENCE.  

    It's time for me to live up to my ideals and be a vegetarian.  Thanks for this reminder.  Jan


    by CVille Dem on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 9:32pm

    It's time for me to live up to my ideals and be a vegetarian.

    The great thing about Charlottesville is that being a vegetarian is easy. We even have our own annual festival!


    by Atheist (not verified) on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 7:19am

    Hey, atheist, are you a current CVillian too? Are you in town?

    by CVille Dem on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 10:19pm

    Yes. In fact, we've had lunch together before. (I used to use a different name…)


    by Atheist (not verified) on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 2:33pm

    Ah, yes! Your wife was hiking the Appalacian Trail...she actually WAS hiking, too! Glad to see you're back in the loop!

    by CVille Dem on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 3:16pm

    That story is great, it made me laugh and then wince! We definitely are not total vegetarians, but we try not to eat as much meat, I think it's healthier. But we do love our seafood here, I don't think I could give it up. There isn't anything better than a Salmon burger in sweet chili sauce, yummy wickles, a little mustard and fresh onion buns, (carmelize the onions prior to incorporating them into your bread dough), topped with broccoli sprouts, tomato, and fresh mozzarella slice. Then of course steamed broccoli, carrots and snow peas, and green salad, oh man, I think I know what I am making for dinner tonight!


    by tmccarthy0 on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 12:48pm

    Wow, I am majorly hungry for all of the above. Thanks for such detail. I can pull it off some time next week.

    by CVille Dem on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 3:18pm

    You're missing the point, Wolfie. It's not about size. It's about emptying their clip in under a second.


    by Doctor Cleveland on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 9:02pm

    Wolfrum,  I am very knowledgeable on this subject, and so I write this to inform rather than to gloat:  

    I am intimately involved (?) with a very distinguished article in Johnson Times, that published a study that proves once and for all that penis size is in reverse proportion to the number of guns owned.  

    Because of the amazing level of flack they are getting for this, they are currently conducting a study of 100,000 men to finally discover if the number of guns is the cause of penile shrinkage, or if perhaps, a teenie weenie is the cause of an insatiable desire to own more and more guns.

    Stay tuned. "Anecdotal evidence is really an inappropriate way at looking at this,"  according to Dick Kock, who responded testily to a question about why the study has been increased to 100,000, (it is surmised that it is because the last study of 50,000 showed that "the less endowed owned 3 times as many fire arms as those who measured up,"  and so they expanded it, hoping to get better results.)

    "WHAT THE HELL DO SWEDES KNOW?"  Kock shouted.  "They think that cold cuts are a delicious meal!"


    by CVille Dem on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 9:39pm

    Hoping to bring healing to an overheated subject, the men's hippie drum circle/erotic acrobat troupe, Iron John's Sons, offered their services at no cost to the wives of the unfortunate men in Dr. Svenenberg's sample.

    "We have no weapons except the ones we were born with, and, of course, our drums", said the troupe's spokesman, Ridge Id...Our motto is "Pre historic courtship displays for post modern women"

    "We want to do what we can to help."


    by jollyroger on Fri, 01/14/2011 - 10:19pm

    WKW.  You have to spoof Beck's recent "lesson" on Freud's relative and the study of propaganda.  It was either yesterday or the day before that.  Certainly this week.  It was after the shooting, I'm positive.  Anyway, Beck talks about the importance of propaganda.  I almost lost my mind.  After Tucson, the entire Right Wing demanded they had nothing to do with the shooter and their rants don't make any difference.  Then Beck devotes an entire show about the effect of propaganda!  Clueless as to how his "lesson" that day directly contradicts his "lesson" just days earlier.

    OH!  And this should make a post all by itself.  They had Freud's picture up there and Beck is talking about how great Freud is, completely ignoring not only the drug addiction of Freud, but also the massive piece of chalk Beck was fondling and twiddling in his hand.  I nearly died laughing.  There were tears in my eyes my stomach hurt so much.  I'm sure you can catch a screen shot for the article.  You'll gonna laugh too, I promise.  It's like Tina Fey quoting Sarah palin in her comedy skit.  Tina didn't need to change any of the words and Beck did not either!


    by Gregor Zap on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 1:45am

    Look Wolfy you need different weapons for different chores and such.

    Now when I go to the outhouse, I need a 44 magnum. It gives me security from them varmints in the wood who seek out...well who seek out my leavings. And it gives me enough confidence to relieve myself as quickly as possible which is of import when you wake up and its 5 below.

    Now when my darling comes to visit, the shot gun serves my purposes the best. Kind of a scatter kind of weapon that hits everything coming at me. I mean all i really need to do is to get off.

    But when I go to the liquor store in town, I need to be adequately protected in case some arse with a rifle shows up. So I always bring my magnum and my German Shepherd.

    When I clean my kitchen--which is a once a month chore--I just carry a 22 on my hip for the rats. And just in case that no good nephew of mine shows up unannounced and stuff.

    But when I am working on the web I just keep a squirt gun real close filled with windex incase I spill something.

    the end


    by Richard Day on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 2:07am

    Now when I go to the outhouse, I need a 44 magnum. It gives me security from them varmints in the wood who seek out...well who seek out my leavings

    http://www.getlostmagazine.com/mcbee/2004/0412pee/pee.html


    by Atheist (not verified) on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 7:23am

    hahahaha

    Them goats can be scary creatures for sure. hahha


    by Richard Day on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 12:18pm

    ... owning guns for hunting and self-protection is generally a lie and that most men buy guns because they feel it will be an extension of their manhood.

    And, too, the gun looks hot while wearing a red g-string! Also.


    by seashell on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 8:00pm

    My eyes! My eyes, they burn! AAAAieee.....

     

    also


    by jollyroger on Sat, 01/15/2011 - 10:55pm

    LMAO!

    And the funny part is, the only time these chickenhawks are allergic to guns is when comes time to defend the country - i.e., Dick Cheney.


    by Wattree on Sun, 01/16/2011 - 1:56pm