May 13, 2029

Twenty-six years after invading Iraq, the United States closed its military bases and evacuated the last American soldiers from Iraqi soil.

In an address to soldiers at Fort Bragg, President George Prescott Bush praised the U.S. military for accomplishing the mission that his uncle, former President George W. Bush, had set before them in 2003.

In a comprehensive study, voting experts recently conducted a series of interviews, polls, and focus groups to find out why American voters turned away from Republicans in 2008. While many reasons were cited, analysts observed a clear consensus among swing voters who had voted for President George Bush and other Republican candidates prior to 2006 but changed to Democratic tickets in the past two years.

Having gained the knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve set about going forth and multiplying, which is what God said that he wanted them to do in the first place. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain became a farmer and Abel a shepherd. Cain offered some of his crops to God, but Abel offered his fattest sheep, so God loved Abel and ignored Cain.

Commentary: Couldn’t God make his own sheep? That’s like giving eggs to a chicken.

So God finished his business and left for vacation. Adam and the woman hung out in the garden with a particularly clever snake. When Adam was off doing something (don’t ask), the snake asked the woman about what fruit she was allowed to eat. The woman explained what God had said about the toxic properties of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The snake, who was apparently smarter than the people, told the woman that what God had said was false.

Question: What do privileged psychopaths from Connecticut have in common with Pakistani propagandists?

Answer: They hate the Jews.

As I said, God took a day off. It’s not clear what he did on his day off, but we hope something fun and relaxing. But before he called it quits, God made a pretty garden for the first man, Adam. The garden had some nice trees, including the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, which is a long name for a tree. Before heading out, God commanded Adam not to eat from the tree with the long name for “the day you eat from it, you will definitely die.”

May 6, 2029

President George Prescott Bush signed into law a ground-breaking automobile subsidy that will pay the United States' last remaining automaker, General Chrysford, to build cars that will be shipped straight to the scrapyards. The Automotive Repurposing Act is designed to help the Big One survive a global glut of automobiles that has driven the price of cars below the break-even point. Lisa Lemmon, the CEO of General Chrysford, has lobbied hard for the bill and argued in a recent USA McNews editorial that the auto company could not survive without assistance:

At first, there wasn’t much of anything. Well, there was God, and there was some water, so maybe that’s a lot. But there wasn’t anything else, that’s my point. Then God decided to make some other stuff probably because he was bored of the water. So first he made some light so that he could see what he was doing. He thought that was a pretty good accomplishment for the first day and congratulated himself on a job well done.

The second day, God made a hole in the water and called it the sky.

Last summer, a team of archaeologists excavating a Roman-era latrine outside Jerusalem made a remarkable discovery. Buried beneath centuries of silt and fecal matter, the archaeologists discovered an ancient manuscript. The manuscript appears to be an abridged version of the Old Testament with commentary by the infamous heretic, Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen.

May 1, 2029

Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."

April 27, 2029

The world's most popular search engine, MyRealittee.com, set a new record with its long-awaited ¥8.3 trillion IPO on the WongDaq stock exchange in Shanghai. MyRealittee.com's unusual IPO process, a reverse double-blind Flemish auction with a half-somersault, left analysts scratching their heads but did not prevent a buying frenzy that drove the share price up to ¥1279 by the end of trading. MyRealittee.com is now worth ¥74.8 trillion, approximately four times the GDP of the United States.

Once again, Jesus Christ has exposed himself to mortals though a tasty snack. This time, his vehicle of choice was toasted cheese bread.

Governor Brad Henry of Oklahoma decisively resolved a major battle over the official state rock song today. I bet you didn't realize that states had official rock songs, least of all Oklahoma.

Well it does now. In an online contest, a majority of Oklahomans voted for Do You Realize? by the weird psychadelicish band, The Flaming Lips. I bet you didn't realize that the Flaming Lips came from Oklahoma.

April 24, 2029

There have been many sober pronouncements lately about the end American hegemony, both on this blog and elsewhere. Some have reacted with despondence, others with glee. It may be that the end is nigh--it has to end sometime--but we should keep in mind that the forecasters of doom emerge from their caves during every period of hardship.

Last week, I wrote about the threat of deflation after the news that U.S. consumer prices dropped last year, the first time since 1955. Dagblog's Deadman played down the risk, and I agreed that current deflation levels were not a threat. But now it seems that deflation is knocking a bit harder at Europe's door, particularly Spain's.

Sri Lanka stands on the edge of a massacre. After 26 years of civil war, the Sri Lankan army has ousted ethnic Tamil separatists from vast territories they once controlled and trapped the remaining fighters on a 6-square mile strip of beach. With the fighters are an estimated 60,000 human hostages.

My girlfriend sent this to me. Do you think it's a hint? Pretty funny in any case.

More animations at Tales of Mere Existence.

U.S. consumer prices fell unexpectedly in March and recorded their first annual drop since 1955, government data showed on Wednesday, as slumping demand pushed down energy and food costs. [Reuters]

Falling prices? It's like a national fire-sale. What's not to like?