I have never served in the U.S. military. It was never really an option for me, as I tend to be quite cowardly and flee at the first sight of trouble. Also, I’m about as disciplined as Dennis Rodman. In fact, not only have I never served, I don’t really even know anyone currently serving. Nonetheless, I know exactly what men and women in the military are thinking.

First off, there are a lot of 18-year-old, old-fashioned, testosterone-laden men in the military who are tough guys. They’re often politically old-fashioned or conservative; they are not necessarily at the vanguard, in many cases, of accepting alternative forms of lifestyle.

Yes, these tough guys (and tough girls, I suppose) are willing to go into enemy territory, fight death-wishing terrorists and do whatever it takes to keep our nation safe. But they’re horrified of gay people. The mere sight of a gay person leads to what they call in the military (I’m assuming) “Spontaneous Pants-Pooping.” These may be brave men and women, but they are mostly conservative and mostly terrified of what someone does in their own bedroom. Trust me, I know.

Despite never having been in the military, I have a stunning deal of knowledge on the subject. After all, I love war. Thus, I’m an expert on those in uniform. Here are some facts you might not have been aware of:

• All of our troops are Christian. If they weren’t when they joined, they are now.
• Our troops risk their lives for the American people. Except for the Gay American people. They must fend for themselves.
• When our troops torture enemies (and all of them torture enemies, all the time) they call it “Happy Fun Time.” Like me, most of them orgasm just thinking about torture.
• Everyone in the military wants war, perpetually.
• Everyone in the military under the rank of Colonel has a vestigial tail.

How do I know so much about the mindset of those in the military? Because I’ve watched a lot of movies about war. And after watching them, I know that American soldiers always win. And I know that they, like I love war. But more than anything, I know they are closed-minded and despise gays and lesbians. I do, after all, so they must, as well.

--WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles