I've been a bit bewildered from the start - when people frame the election in terms of "voting your vagina", I expected a rousing round of "Hell yes!" At least I would, ever since I was 8 or 9 or so. I of course vote and think with my dick too, so it might be a bit conflicted, but "I'm in" was the expected response.

I mean, everything's about sex anyway, and when we say "sex" we mean "females", meaning "girls". Baywatch wasn't a paean to women's intellect. "Pretty Woman" wasn't a tribute to female Horatio Alger-like initiative. Tell me half the people watching Game of Thrones are concerned with the plot - it's "who gets naked when and ruts like a roe deer", which would be terminally embarrassing outside the trappings of a medieval fantasy flick. (Okay, it's still embarrassing).

But I digress. We've got a "vagina" vs. a true dickhead or three. One's kind of a nerdy scold, one makes football players look thoughtful and introspective, and one would be perfect as an insurance salesman stealing old people's life savings. Kind of like the most morbid version of The Dating Game ever, a dicktriptych, . And then there's a woman. *That* woman. But still, packaged up pretty well for her age, fits the writing on the label, checks all the boxes. And I'm down with that. When she said, "playing the woman's card", did anyone else here think "strip poker"? I did. And in a totally positive way.

See, I've never had a female dick as a boss. But I've had a lot of male ones. I've never had a female bandmate vanish for 3 days going through some coke binge with a stripper. And with all the teachers I've had, it was the male ones who were all, "you ignorant schmuck, of course you don't know the answer since you missed half the classes", while the female ones were more "you seem to know what you're doing, relax, take a couple extra days so you can do a good job."

Okay, this sounds like I'm voting a bit on merit, when I want to discuss anatomy. Women have vaginas and breasts, which we know are the 3 most interesting things in the world to men and a lot of women. For all the talk of phallic structures, the only reason we care is they give us head rushes and angina when we get to the top, plus we like big numbers cause they make us seem smart reciting them, but towers could be shaped like giant nipples for all we care. But domes? we're hooked. The Superer, the better. Jerusalem, Rome, New Orleans, Hong Kong, Seattle, and that funky sexy thing in Sydney like a Madonna/Gaultier bra - outasight. Even Earth is a bit like cupped breasts, or maybe I'm projecting...

And when we talk workplace, who better to keep your attention than a woman? I don't see guys' eyes following their male coworkers across the room, or women's either - but a female gets noticed - good, bad, nicely dressed, poorly dressed, says something smart, something dumb... Anatomy matters. It informs our beliefs, our interests, our energy, our enthusiasm. Some say women shouldn't be soldiers because we'd get distracted. Exactly. Women are born leaders. We just have them "leading from behind" - again and again and again. At home keeping all the household organized, at work remembering to take notes and provide followups, in life handling all the medical decisions and tracking the kids and taking care of the old folks....

Is it because of their anatomy, just because they have a vagina and uterus? Of course. Penises are easy - you don't even have to wash when it comes down to it. Men don't have special doctors for their penises - the closest it comes is a jab to the scrotum and "cough". (they do have more going on with their assholes, which in some sense is just a wannabe vagina, but let's not go there). But women their whole lives have to pay special attention to their vaginas, whether for hygiene, time of month, childbirth, preventing pregnancy, increased health risks, dealing with hormone changes or that old bug-o-bear menopause. Imagine if men had a certain cutoff point to fertility, you'd have old funny-looking dudes swamping the boulevards looking for their last fling or hurtling themselves off buildings lamenting their lost youth. Okay, we still have that to some extent - see Trump - but not so much.

So it's Darwin incarnate - women are more organized or perish, thanks especially to anatomy. Men are occasionally brilliant. Women are almost invariably dependable. Nature can't afford a cock-up like guys playing chicken in cars or betting their last savings in Vegas as the norm - the species would be gone in 1-2 generations. Women are attuned to what's to come, guys try to avoid it - they're into the now, instant self-gratification. Even something as "simple" as planning a vacation usually turns into a female endeavour. Why? cause it has advanced planning tied to the future, often with more required than which bar is next to the hotel, but instead packing and entertainment and frivolous/creative ways to kill time. Obviously women's work.

Even the fighting part is changing. If there were ever a time when ball cutting Nurse Ratched-like invective was coming into its own, it's now. Wars are down - way down. Now that ISIS is losing, people will start to realize there are very few wars left, and folks are more interested in working & traveling than taking Asia by catapault & Orban cannon or defending England with picts. Angela Merkel is the warrior of the future - a half-bored roll of the eyes or laconic cutting remark and they carry you out on a stretcher. Putin? old school. Merkel? the next wave. Even pictures of Vlad bare chested on horseback won't change that.

So all the issues of the future, things we care about, are really women's issues, or issues women deal with best. Abortion, pay equality, education, street violence and male police abuse, even issues like racism, immigration, care of the earth. Men leave beer bottles and cigarette butts strewn about, women clean up after themselves. They're built for endurance and order, not speed. Women know what it's like to be continually singled out, to always be a notch down on the totem pole, to be stuck taking any job available, to be more accommodating to people of all types, to be seconds from possible danger at any time in any secluded or crowded or darkened place. And money matters? Compare our 2 nuptial cultural icons - Kim Kardasian, $72 million in the bank. Kanye West? $40+ million in debt. Tells you something.

So is it because of women's vaginas? Like duh. And if that's what it takes, I'm voting for it, no pussyfooting around. I'm rather sick of hearing about forefathers anyway - here's to the future mothers. And their vajayjays.