It is with great sadness that I announce that Gatorade has dropped Tiger Woods as a sponsor. No, it wasn't because they finally realized that golfers don't actually need electrolytes, it's far more nefarious than that. They dropped Tiger because he was doing the only thing that really required Gatorade - having sex with dozens and dozens of women not named Mrs. Woods.

But enough of Tiger Woods. This sudden, horrible development has affected me personally. You see, a couple years ago, I reached the peak of the golf blogging summit by penning the now legendary post - "Gatorade Tiger: Instead of wasting scientists' time analyzing Tiger Woods' sweat, why not just sell his bodily fluids?"

That post was the pinnacle of my career, and most can easily see it's been all downhill from there. So while Tiger loses some money, I lose the best part of my career. See for yourself. Here is a brief snippet of the post, which can be found in its entirety at WorldGolf.com:

As a golf blogger of some note, I spend a good deal of my time thinking about Tiger Woods’ hydration. Is he hydrating enough? Is he rehydrating properly? Are there enough scientists working around the clock to insure that his hydration levels are at peak capacity?

Luckily, my mind was put at ease when Paul Dalessio of Fleishman-Hillard and representing Gatorade sent me an e-mail, notifying me of the exciting news in the world of Tigdration.

“Gatorade Tiger is a new line of Gatorade Thirst Quencher formulated for Tiger Woods in great-tasting flavors he selected. Gatorade Tiger provides the same carbohydrate energy to fuel muscles as Gatorade Thirst Quencher with 25 percent more electrolytes to deliver advanced hydration that helps people stay on top of their game, both physically and mentally,” wrote Dalessio.

You bet that’s “advanced hydration.” That’s crazy hydration, if you ask me. Twenty-five percent more electrolytes? You know how they refer to that in scientific circles? As a “crap-load” of more electrolytes, that’s how.

Speaking of scientists, it seems there are literally teams of folks who’ve gotten “advanced degrees” that now spend their days examining Tiger Woods’ sweat.

“Gatorade began working with Tiger Woods in fall 2007, when he met with the Gatorade Sports Science Institute (GSSI). Scientists conducted sweat analysis testing with Woods, which showcased his dedication to this collaboration and to improving every aspect of his training and competition. GSSI scientists measured Woods’ sweat rate, sweat electrolyte concentration, fluid and electrolyte balance and energy needs during a vigorous round of exercise. Based on the scientific results of the tests, GSSI developed a specialized hydration and nutrition strategy,” wrote Dalessio.

You can actually watch them testing Tiger on YouTube by clicking here. It’s really solid, behind-the-scenes stuff that is somewhat akin to getting a behind the scenes look at Oppenheimer creating the atomic bomb. Except, you know, it’s a bunch of scientists wiping sweat off of Tiger.

Now, maybe it’s just me, but I’d think that for a scientist, getting a job with the Gatorade Sports Science Institute is akin to someone with a degree in quantum mechanics getting a job at Disney making sure the little, singing animatronic kids on “It’s a Small World” don’t break down.

I can just imagine the conversations that must occur at parties where scientists congregate:

Scientist No. 1: So what are you working on?

Scientist No. 2: Well, we’re working on a vaccine that we hope will be ready in time before Bird Flu jumps to humans and kills most of humanity. What about you?

Scientist No. 1: Uh, I analyze Tiger Woods’ sweat. You know, for electrolytes and stuff. At the Gatorade Sports Science Institute.

Scientist No. 2: They have an Institute, do they? Well how about that. I’m going to walk over there now, ok?

Dalessio was even able to get a quote from Tiger Woods himself in his e-mail:

“I’ve experienced a lot of amazing moments in my golf career, but no matter what I accomplish my goal is to be better tomorrow than I was today,” said Woods. “Now that Gatorade Tiger is hitting store shelves, I am excited for everyone to try it.”

Wow, Tiger, I’m not sure how one sentence is really connected to the other, but thanks for pitching in. Still, it’s sort of like me writing:

“I’ve written a lot of great blog posts during my blogging career, but I’m still trying to do better,” said Wolfrum. “Now get out there and eat more donuts.”

I haven’t tasted Gatorade Tiger because I’m saving my money up to buy a gallon of gas. But I’m guessing that the Gatorade Tiger collection - Red Drive (Cherry blend), Cool Fusion (Citrus blend) and Quiet Storm (Grape blend) - all have that distinctive Gatorade flavor of fruit punch that had a used sweat sock dunked in it. For Gatorade Tiger, however, they may have double-dunked the sweat sock, which would explain for the crap-load of extra electrolytes.

Anyway, this is neither an endorsement nor a rejection of Gatorade Tiger, but I hope it’s helped convey how ridiculous I find the whole enterprise. Honestly, I think if you drank a glass of tap water and ate a Life Saver or two, you’d get all the “advanced hydration” your body needs. But remember, I’m not even qualified to work at the Gatorade Sports Science Institute. At least I think I’m not.

Personally, I think they should go in a different direction and just flat-out collect and sell Tiger Woods’ bodily fluids. You could charge a fortune for it and tell people it will make them “Hyper Tydrated.” And it would probably taste roughly the same as Gatorade Tiger Cool Fusion, I’d hazard to guess.

--WKW