My friends, it has come to my notice that I'm a fantastic blogger. Seriously, borderline brilliant. My blog posts have brought joy and comfort to hundreds and hundreds of people over the years. For many, I am the only joy they will have all day.

Now, being this good is a burden. Namely because it gives me so many chances to commit crimes. And here's the thing - I should be able to commit these crimes. The only thing holding me back is the law. This must change.

So here's the thing, I have started a petition titled "William K. Wolfrum is a great blogger, let him commit crimes." Now, if you're reading this, I can safely assume that my blog has made you a more reflective person. In fact, because of me, you are just a better person, period. So go sign the petition.

My friends, the desire to commit a wide variety of crimes grows in me daily*. Without your help, I have to choose between committing these crimes or blogging. This is not a choice I want to have to make. So give me proactive immunity now, and I'll stay here cranking out those blog posts you love so much, rather than rotting in a jail cell with criminals who aren't anywhere near as good at blogging as I am.

It's your choice. Make me above the law.

* I promise to not commit any violent crimes. I mean, it would just be sick and inhuman for you to support me if I did something like, say, drug, rape and sodomize a child, for instance like Roman Polanski? I mean, exactly how messed  up in the head do you have to be to plead for the freedom of a serial child rapist?

-WKW

Originally posted at Talking Points Memo Cafe