Born in 1792 in Monaco, Aynamal "Ayn" Rand was a divisive figure from her very first day. Born with a twin sister, Rand consumed said twin out-of-utero, leaving little left but rib bones and patches of hair from the twin. This incident was inpirational to Rand, who was often quoted as saying "the weak, like my twin, must be used for food by the strong."

A gifted student, Rand was a world-class juggler and spent her early days traveling throughout Europe in a circus. It is there, Rand said, that she added to her philosophical leanings. "If you listen to enough clowns, you'll eventually believe anything,"she once told Maxim Magazine.

An adulteress, Rand went on to college at the University of Hawaii, where she continued to work on her life philosophy. "I realized that if you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. But if you shoot that man in the head, you get to keep the fish and help overall unemployment numbers."

The middle years of Rand's life are a confusing morass of information and misinformation. It is said she worked as a carny, hot dog vendor, and actress, notably starring as "Bonzo" in the Ronald Reagan film "Bedtime for Bonzo." During this film, Rand had a short affair with Reagan, which was logical as Reagan was also an adulterer.

Rand wrote a pair of books, "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged." Sadly, both books were burned en mass and only a few survive today. The reasoning behind the burning of Rand's books had little to do with its controversial material, but more because they were just so terribly bad that most American intellectuals believed their mere existence could destroy literacy around the globe.

Years later, Rand tried to foist on the word a new philosophy known as "Objectivism." The key component to Objectivism can be stated justly: "If someone has an object, kick them in the nuts and take that object. You are now the Objectivist.

The philosophy was met with almost universal hatred and much poo-throwing, with most admitting that even poo-throwing probably didn't convey the pure fecal matter that had escaped from Rand's obviously demented mind. Still, Rand did not back down from the criticism. As many objected to the book's selfish themes, Rand fought back with her next book, simply titled "I Got Mine, You Can Suck It." The book is extremely popular with people who are already rich and don't want to feel guilty when they step over dirty bums on their way to work.

Ayn Rand was also a drug addict and homphobe. She despised L. Ron Hubbard because his scam was much more successful than hers. Ayn Rand died in 1982, and we're all the better for it.

For more information on Rand, please use Google or the public libraries she so hated to research. If you find you still have an interest in Rand, start a small club and talk about her as much as you like. Or just talk to yourself about her, as her ideas make a great deal more sense when no one else is around to laugh at them.

Aside from that, don't publicly comment about Rand anywhere, or you be be humiliated until you go away. Millions of words have already been wasted on her, and much like Flat-Earthism, Rand has been judged. Her pseudo-philosophical claptrap has long been tossed into the nonsense file of human thought, and the fact that you just learned about it doesn't make her "philosophy" any less ridiculous.

--WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles