If I support Gay Rights, am I being hateful to Marriage?

If I am pro-black, am I anti-white?

If I fly the Confederate flag, am I a racist?

Well, to some people yes.  But I am guessing they really don't matter.

There are quite a few blogs on TPM right now that are bypassing the essential question of what is offensive and what is free.

To me, it's like art--it's subjective.  It's all in the eye of the beholder; a judgement call.

So I'll give mine.

I believe this: any person should be able to do or say or exhibit whatever they damn well please, as long as it does not invade another person's space--personal space, physical space, whatever--and is not outright vulgar and in opposition to everyday common sense decency.  For instance, It's not OK for me to walk down the street in my underwear.  But in my home, well....

If somebody is spending time being outraged by your life choices, your style, your loyalty--perhaps they should ask themselves a question: Am I an asshole?

(Yes, you are.)

Now, I'll be really insensitive.

The Confederate flag... everybody is so upset.  Writing all this stuff about racism and offensive and such.  Why?  It is fabric.  Is it that unbearable in your life that a flag has a certain design, that you are just unable to continue?

I wish my life were so, that a flag waving in the breeze were my biggest worry.

Most ordinary folks have bigger fish to fry.  Black and White.

Like having a job, a home, a child, and keeping a job, a home a child.

But hey, it's offensive to some people. In my opinion, if it bothers you that bad, maybe you are just paranoid.

Another thing is this Christian thing where we feel it is our job to say who is going to Hell.  Whatever.

I was at a store the other day, and a woman was telling another woman how gays will not get into heaven.  It was one of those conversations people have when they know someone is listening, someone they want to hear, but are not comfortable saying it to their face.  SO they just elevate their voice unnaturally high.

How in the Hell does anyone think that is Christian?

Did Jesus come down off the cross, and zoom to your living room to give you the good news, "Hey Betty.  Just a note.  Gays are going to Hell; tell your friends."

But hey, it's offensive to some Christian folks.  If it really does bother you that bad, perhaps you are avoiding some internal issues and questions about who you are, and where you are going...

Really, I guess you can take your pick; Saggy pants, butt out of pants, Piercing, interracial marriage, tattoos, Christmas trees, gay marriage, Adam Lambert, Rainbows--anything in our culture offends wholly differing groups of people.  For a whole host of reasons.

Most of the time though, what we are bothered by is not the sight--but our personal reaction to it.

We feel rejected, uncomfortable, insulted, or scared.  Offended is a strange word.  We use it for all of these feelings.  We use it as a stop sign and a validation, as if "Hey, I'm offended.  Nuff' said." 

But the truth is that our reaction is a choice.  It is a choice to get angry, to yell, to protest.  Or to smile or shake our head, and leave it where it is.  And move on.

Life is too short to be pissed off all the time.

Here's some advice, if you are nervous or outraged about any of the above.  It's universal:

We should choose our battles a bit more effectively. A bit more wisely.  If we allow ourselves to be blown about by every wind--that is our choice. 

Our focus determines our reality.

Today, I encountered two young men that were standing up ahead of me.  As I approached them, I could see they both had there pants around their calves, held there somewhat tentatively with a belt.  Underneath, shiny undergarments.  No shirts.

Some white people might think to themselves, look at these hoodlums.  They're probably planning to rob me. These same offended people will cross the street or hurry past and ignore them.

I however, chose not to hide my puzzlement at their dress, nor did I cross the street.  

As I approached, I was not rude, nor assuming.  "How y'all doing?"  "Hey, whut's up?"  as I walked my baby towards them, with a smile.  "They smiled and echoed back. 

Now see, people.  It's not difficult.  They're not terrorists!

I don't like seeing their pants that way.  But hey, I know alot of older white people in my Mom's neighborhood 'aint exactly thrilled with my hair in pigtails, and gel from the local beauty supply.  So how can I be judgemental?

Being offended is a choice.  It makes hypocrites out of us.  It keeps us from doing what we like doing.  

So if we spend all of our time feeling bad because a flag is up we don't like, and bad because our neighbor Tom has a gay partner instead of a wife, and bad because the boy nextdoor has his pants down below his butt--we will hate our world, reject our world, expect less from it--and give less in return.

If, however, we don't give a shit about what flag they fly on top of a pole, or if Tom and Gary are naked together in THEIR house, or if they're going to Hell or Heaven, or if we are nice and actually speak to the boy who's pants are falling down--we may find that the world is full of shit, but also full of wonderful people who just look and act differently, and might just disagree with us about how to go through it in their own personal way.

The problem is not with others and how they look, what they like, and how they show it.  Most of the time, it is how we see them, how we hate, and how we react to it.

So why be opposed to diversity?  To opposing points of view?  To things foreign to us?

Here's an idea--don't be.  Confront them, by confronting yourself, and your notions.  Challenge your sense of safety.  Be open to pleasant surprises.

You may find that your notions were totally off base and ignorant.  That you were an asshole for feeling this way.  You were afraid, and you find out it was all for nothing.

I used to shave my head.  I worked at a college, where I worked with 7 other janitors, who were all black.  I was the only paleface.  Because I had a shaved head, and wore combat boots, they convinced themselved I was a racist.  A white supremacist.  So they didn't speak to me, avoided me, gave me dirty looks.

Then, a week later, my fiancee came up for lunch.  She was African-American.  She brought our baby boy too.

I wonder what shame they felt, in the place of how offended I had made them with my shaved head.

Do you really have a right to feel offended?  Or is it just your decision, from what you feel?

Don't be.  It's liberating.

That teaches us tolerance.  And to respect diversity.  And to protect our own, they have to have theirs as well.

So if you are pissed off about something, ask yourself:

Is this really important?

Does this affect me?

Why am I feeling this way?

If you can't, then maybe you are just an asshole.