May 6, 2029

President George Prescott Bush signed into law a ground-breaking automobile subsidy that will pay the United States' last remaining automaker, General Chrysford, to build cars that will be shipped straight to the scrapyards. The Automotive Repurposing Act is designed to help the Big One survive a global glut of automobiles that has driven the price of cars below the break-even point. Lisa Lemmon, the CEO of General Chrysford, has lobbied hard for the bill and argued in a recent USA McNews editorial that the auto company could not survive without assistance:

"General Chrysford isn't just a car company. It's a way of life. Families around here have been building cars for generations. But small companies like GC can't compete with the Asian megamanufacturers. Without Federal assistance, it just doesn't pay to build cars anymore."

The bill's sponsor, Senator Otto Poppet, D-MI, explained the advantages of the straight-to-scrap approach.

"The World Trade Federation won't let us subsidize production, but since this bill pays manufacturers to repurpose automobiles, it doesn't violate international trade laws, and since it decreases the supply of vehicles on the market, our manufacturers...uh...manufacturer can charge more for the cars that it does sell. Plus, it's a bonanza for the nation's scrap metal industry, and by putting fewer cars on the road, it even helps the environment. That's a win-win-win-win, which is a heck of a lot of wins."

Senator Trey De Voett, R-AZ, who voted for the bill, believes that it will also help states without automobile industries:

"By voting for the Automobile Repurposing Act, I was able to secure Senator Poppet's vote for the Cactus Redistribution Act, which is very important for Arizona's economy and America's status as the world leader in cactus redistribution."

Celebrities also helped galvanize support for the bill. At the Car Aid 2029 benefit in Flint, MI, 80-year-old Bruce Springsteen performed his hit single, Ballad of the Certified Diesel Technician, and joined Rap-Country sensation, Redneck Killa and da Lonely Boyz, in a moving rendition of their hit, Ain't Nev-a Gonna Quit Makin' Caddies.

But critics contend that the subsidy is nothing more than welfare for factory workers, many of whom already receive food stamps after the Mostly United Auto Workers union agreed to a 5-hour work week last August. Dewie Givaschitz, a spokesperson for Concerned Citizens Against Helping People, contends that the bill will lead to a slippery slope,

"What's next? Paying grocery stores to compost their groceries? Airlines to fly empty planes? Dog walkers to walk around without dogs?"

News From the Future is a series of dagblog exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:

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