Hello everyone, and welcome to today’s episode of “Answering the Stupidest Questions.”

(Applause)

Today, Time Magazines dares to ask the question ringing in hardly anyone’s mind: “Does the Death of 200 Cows in Wisconsin Confirm Biblical Prophecy?”

We've been talking a lot lately about civility, for obvious and painful reasons. And our public conversation on that topic tends to go astray pretty quickly, because we don't all mean the same thing when we say "civility," and often aren't even sure what we mean by the word ourselves.

So, in my last post, I talked more specifically about my Christian beliefs than is my blogging habit. I doubt I'll do it more often; I don't think that you should believe something just because I do, and so I try to write from the assumption that you don't. But I did mention my own beliefs, and it's Christmas, so let me come clean a bit, because it's an important holiday for me, and because it's such a bitter season:

Apparently, the dreaded "War on Christmas" now extends to having to work between the Christmas and New Year's holidays, at least if the taxpayers pay your salary and your job title is "Senator." According to Senator Jon Kyl, having work the week after the Christmas holiday would be "disrespectful" to Christians. Senator Jim DeMint called working the week before Christmas "sacrilegious." That's right.

Behold his glory.

News/Politics

Haiti Water: Haiti has dirty water. Yes, the U.S. played a role in that.  

Chandra Levy: Slain intern's family sees justice.  

God announced through his spokesman Pope Benedict XVI that male prostitutes with HIV would be permitted to use condoms in order to prevent the spread of the disease. The ruling applied retroactively, so past condom use under appropriate conditions would be pardoned. In principle, the pardon could elevate unrepentant condom users from Purgatory or even Hell, but divine experts expect the ruling to have little practical significance for condemned souls.

So, Saturday night the news was that Christine O'Donnell "dabbled into witchcraft" before becoming a hard-line evangelical Christian. And you know what? I wasn't surprised at all. Surely I wasn't surprised that a candidate like O'Donnell was attracted to the supernatural, since all of her politics are about magical thinking. I shrugged it off, and Sunday morning I went to church.

It’s time for Sharia Law to come to the United States. This nation has settled into a moral and economic funk that only a healthy dose of Sharia Law can fix.

Oh sure, you’ve probably heard lots of bad things about Sharia Law. You probably think that it’s an Islamic plot to overthrow the world and control humanity. But this information – provided to you by the likes of Newt Gingrich – is based on ignorance and bigotry.

SEATTLE – “Do I need honor these people and pretend that they are worthy of the privileges of the First Amendment which I have in my gut the sense that they will abuse?” cried out Marty Peretz.

“Where are the peaceful Muslims?! Where are the peaceful Muslims?” wrote Sarah Palin on her Facebook page.

Who on Earth is crazy enough to burn the Koran? Until two weeks ago, my answer has always been "raging lunatics in Elizabethan drama." You know, stage characters from the age of Shakespeare, the kind of people who are prone to cutting off their own hands, biting off their tongues and spitting them on the stage, or baking their enemies in pies and serving them for dinner. The people who make Hamlet seem well-adjusted. Certainly, I didn't think of it as the kind of thing real people did.

LAS VEGAS – The age old question – could God create a shotgun big enough to blow his own brains out? – has finally been answered. And that answer is, yes. Yes he can.

God was found dead yesterday at the Wynn Las Vegas of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

I am kind, giving and strong. I am fair and law-abiding. I am smart and resourceful. I respect others and I do no harm. I follow the words of Jesus Christ. I am an American Boy.

America faces few problems worse than where and when Barack Obama goes to church. Sure, there are environmental catastrophes to worry about, an economy that shows no interest in bouncing back, wars on God knows how many fronts and unemployment high enough to make Herbert Hoover cringe.

But this is America. And Christ matters.

How many times have we heard the phrase War on Terror over the last nine years? How many times have the very people who are now frothing and screaming about the Cordoba House community center (the alleged "Ground Zero Mosque") also screamed the words "War on Terror," and frothed at anyone who they felt was not acting (and I do mean acting) seriously enough about that "War?"

I posted this as a comment over at TPM, but I think it bears repeating here:

Holy Spirit announced today that he has left the Holy Trinity in order to pursue a solo career.

A judge has overturned California’s Proposition 8 as unconstitutional, because it is, and our country has moved one more step toward making marriage a universal right. Those who want marriage rights restricted will complain that this decision “undermines traditional marriage,” and in a way they’re correct. It does. And that's a good thing.

Look on the bright side – at least the Gulf of Mexico now looks super-bitchin’ under UV lighting.

COLORADO - Hours after admitting that his sexual liason with a male prostitute was a "massage gone awry," Ted Haggard has admitted he is again feeling Gay urges.

"What can I say," said Haggard. "I over-repented and shot straight past being straight."

Breaking News, American Style. Via Prosebeforehos.

News/Politics

Gulf Oil Disaster: The cap remains on British Petroleum’s oil geyser, but an apparent leak and “undetermined anomalies” mean the happy ending is still a long way off.