With some focusing recently on the Grantland story of Anne Vanderbilt, I wanted to run this story which I originally wrote in 2010, about the tragic tale of sportswriter Christine Daniels.

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“I am a transsexual sportswriter. It has taken more than 40 years, a million tears and hundreds of hours of soul-wrenching therapy for me to work up the courage to type those words. … When you reach the point when one gender causes heartache and unbearable discomfort, and the other brings more joy and fulfillment than you ever imagined possible, it shouldn’t take two tons of bricks to fall in order to know what to do.”

– Christine Daniels, April 26, 2007

Rostov-on-Don, RUSSIA -- Leaker extraordinaire Edward Snowden unleashed his biggest coup to date, leaking Santa Claus' Naughty or Nice list on Christmas Eve.

"I just want us to have a discussion, is all," said Snowden. "Let's talk. I want to talk. We should talk." Claus, a shadowy figure known mostly by song, has long fought off civil liberties activists who say more transparency is needed in regard to the famed list.

"A debate, perhaps?" said Snowden. "A little tea time conversation, maybe?" I really wanna talk about this."

DES MOINES -- "Gay people are made of orange peels and frog legs," shouted William K. Wolfrum.

"Black people poop pumpkin pie!" Wolfrum added.

Wolfrum, who is unemployed, said he was practicing his First Amendment rights to say anything he likes.

As everything points to former New England Patriots' tight end  Aaron Hernandez being the person who murdered Odin Lloyd, one wonders if the media will eventually take a look at some factors regarding the case. Factors the NFL would not want investigated.

DULUTH - In a scene of overwhelming carnage, Bobby Jenkins, 9, brutally murdered more than 100,000 people, zombies, and other entities yesterday.

The slaughter began at 3:30 p.m. yesterday, when Sally Jenkins, mother of Bobby, allowed her son to play the video game "Slaughter Everything." After doing some bills, Sally Jenkins stumbled across the murder scene and immediately sent young Bobby to his room.

"It was really unsettling," said Sally Jenkins. "He was just going crazy, slaughtering everybody."

NEW YORK — The writing style of satire was blown up in a suicide attack at its home in the upper West side of Manhattan. Snark and Snide Disregard were also injured in the attack and are currently in intensive care.

Satire, which gained prominence via writers like Jonathan Swift and Voltaire, has struggled to find its footing recently in the Internet-driven world, as more and more satire is associated with mindless attacks, sophomoric humor and the oft-imitated “Breaking” news story. Satire reached a low point recently when the magazine “The New Yorker” hired Andy Borowitz, who then proceeded to write the exact same story 175 consecutive times.

WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama banned the controversial drone program here today, and reaction to the move was swift, as every other country on the planet immediately announced they would do the same, even France, which has a well-earned reputation of being a pain in the ass on these types of matters.

My brother-in-law Marcelo struggled mightily coming out of the closet. While I and a handful of his closest friends and relatives knew he was Gay, he kept his true self hidden until he was 31. The combination of Brazilian culture and a male-dominated family made coming out seem impossible to Marcelo.

When Justin Sisely announced that he planned to film a “Virgin Sells Virginity” porn, the media went wild, endlessly repeating a story based on nothing.

Now, that’s not a big surprise. What is a surprise is that after the announcement – heck, even before it – random dudes with lots of walking-around money started hurling incredible bids at Sisely, asking to be the male lead in said porno.

One of the latest growing crimes in Brazil is to rig explosives to ATMs, blow them up and get away with the loot. Here’s an ATM from my bank here in Uberlandia, Minas Gerais, Brazil. This happened last week:

I never thought this could happen to me …

My life was an ordinary one. My wife had left me two years earlier, taking the kids. My job with the cable company was unsatisfying but it paid the bills. I went to the bar three or four times a week. I played poker once a week with some guys I really didn’t even like. I was a nobody.

Then I saw her.

I was at Walmart to pick up something to eat and maybe a puzzle. I had some time on my hands – ok, I always had time on my hands – and I wandered about the store. That’s where she called to me.

TEXAS – Scientists at the University of Texas-El Paso have discovered that the human body will deflect bullets in a “legitimate” shooting.

“We have seen that, when the human body is stressed out and about to be legitimately shot, the bullet will not harm them,” said Dr. Phil Gingrey. “The obvious conclusion is that people who do have a bullet enter their body actually want to be shot.”

We women have had a rough few decades. The modern woman has to worry about pleasing their man or finding a man. We have to worry about children. We have to worry about our jobs and vaginas. But it didn’t used to always be this way. Since the great feminist uprising came and washed away our self-respect and dignity, we women lived a far simpler existence. We indeed had it all.

My friends, America was born some 450 years ago in 1776 and has the documentation to prove it. Now, America has an expiration date – Dec. 31, 2012.