When we last left our hero, Noah had disembarked from the ship and sacrificed a few clean animals to thank God for not drowning him, his family, and all the animals (except the sacrificed ones). God blessed Noah and his children, and in case they had forgotten, reminded them to be fruitful and multiply.

Commentary: Sometimes, God reminds me of my mother.

God also gave the people permission to eat the animals, though He forbade them from eating live animals.

Last week, in response to Deadman's salute to Obama's Cairo speech, I wrote:

After forty days, God, sealed the wellsprings of the deep and the floodgates of heaven. Then he created a wind that caused the floodwaters to gradually subside.

Commentary: Where did the floodwaters subside to?

After seven months, the boat ran aground on a mountain. After ten months, the mountain peaks became visible.

Commentary: What exactly did the lions eat for ten months? Just wondering…

God tells Noah to bring the animals again, but this time he specified seven pairs of each clean species and one pair of each unclean species.

Commentary: The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel wrote,

“The Lord in his infinite foresight commanded Noah to bring seven pairs of each clean animal so that he might earn the Lord’s blessing by offering the additional pairs as holy sacrifices to His mercy.”

At least they're not using tanks this time...

The “sons of God” thought that human women were hot, so they took the ones that they wanted. The offspring (God’s grandchildren) were mighty giants. Meanwhile, God decided that humans were living too long, so he cut their maximum life spans to 120.

This chapter is just a list of Seth’s descendents and their spirited competition to see who could live the longest. I will spare the reader its boringness except to say that the consensus winner was Methuselah, who died at the ripe age of 969. However, supporters of Methuselah’s father, Enoch, dispute the result. God transported Enoch directly to paradise while he was a still young lad of 365, so technically, he didn’t die. The Great Rabbi Ezekiel Bezekiel exhibits Solomon-like wisdom in his proposed resolution:

Once again, Illinois State Senators are calling for our good friend Roland Burris to exit stage left. One imagines a Dem Party master of ceremonies furiously giving the neck slash signal to end dear Roland's dance routine, but he just keeps twirling away and starts to remove items of clothing.

When I read about yesterday's Taliban attack on the provincial headquarters of Pakistan's Inter-Services Intelligence (ISI), I raised my eyebrows. Why the ISI? It's not an easy target, and in fact the attack was repelled by guards. Nor would a successful attack have been an effective way to create instability. The ISI is not filled with sympathetic targets whose deaths would arouse the nation.

You might think of couchsurfing as the exploitation of your friends' living room furniture. That is so old school. Welcome to couchsurfing 2.0, where you can travel the world via the living room furniture of complete strangers. The CouchSurfing Project is a social networking site where you can offer your home to travelers and take advantage of the couches, guest beds, and floor spaces of others when you travel. It was launched in 2004 and now has more than a million members in 232 countries.

I took a walking tour of Westminster, London the other day. It was just drizzly enough to make you open an umbrella and at least windy enough to invert the umbrella once opened. English weather likes to tease visitors. The moment you think it's about to pour, it changes it's mind and goes all sunny. But as soon as you're ready to declare the rain past, it grays up and drizzles all over again.

May 13, 2029

Twenty-six years after invading Iraq, the United States closed its military bases and evacuated the last American soldiers from Iraqi soil.

In an address to soldiers at Fort Bragg, President George Prescott Bush praised the U.S. military for accomplishing the mission that his uncle, former President George W. Bush, had set before them in 2003.

In a comprehensive study, voting experts recently conducted a series of interviews, polls, and focus groups to find out why American voters turned away from Republicans in 2008. While many reasons were cited, analysts observed a clear consensus among swing voters who had voted for President George Bush and other Republican candidates prior to 2006 but changed to Democratic tickets in the past two years.

Having gained the knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve set about going forth and multiplying, which is what God said that he wanted them to do in the first place. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain became a farmer and Abel a shepherd. Cain offered some of his crops to God, but Abel offered his fattest sheep, so God loved Abel and ignored Cain.

Commentary: Couldn’t God make his own sheep? That’s like giving eggs to a chicken.

So God finished his business and left for vacation. Adam and the woman hung out in the garden with a particularly clever snake. When Adam was off doing something (don’t ask), the snake asked the woman about what fruit she was allowed to eat. The woman explained what God had said about the toxic properties of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The snake, who was apparently smarter than the people, told the woman that what God had said was false.

Question: What do privileged psychopaths from Connecticut have in common with Pakistani propagandists?

Answer: They hate the Jews.

As I said, God took a day off. It’s not clear what he did on his day off, but we hope something fun and relaxing. But before he called it quits, God made a pretty garden for the first man, Adam. The garden had some nice trees, including the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, which is a long name for a tree. Before heading out, God commanded Adam not to eat from the tree with the long name for “the day you eat from it, you will definitely die.”

May 6, 2029

President George Prescott Bush signed into law a ground-breaking automobile subsidy that will pay the United States' last remaining automaker, General Chrysford, to build cars that will be shipped straight to the scrapyards. The Automotive Repurposing Act is designed to help the Big One survive a global glut of automobiles that has driven the price of cars below the break-even point. Lisa Lemmon, the CEO of General Chrysford, has lobbied hard for the bill and argued in a recent USA McNews editorial that the auto company could not survive without assistance:

At first, there wasn’t much of anything. Well, there was God, and there was some water, so maybe that’s a lot. But there wasn’t anything else, that’s my point. Then God decided to make some other stuff probably because he was bored of the water. So first he made some light so that he could see what he was doing. He thought that was a pretty good accomplishment for the first day and congratulated himself on a job well done.

The second day, God made a hole in the water and called it the sky.

Last summer, a team of archaeologists excavating a Roman-era latrine outside Jerusalem made a remarkable discovery. Buried beneath centuries of silt and fecal matter, the archaeologists discovered an ancient manuscript. The manuscript appears to be an abridged version of the Old Testament with commentary by the infamous heretic, Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen.