WASHINGTON – Speaking in front of thousands of supporters, President Abraham Lincoln today took time off his efforts to re-unite the nation, end the Civil War and slavery to berate a street performer that made off-color jokes about his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln.

My friends, we live in a dangerous time of social and cultural revolution. And those revolutions have turned political, meaning the very fate of the United States is in the balance.

Recently, the name of a great American has been dragged through the mud. I speak of 53-year-old Andrew Joseph Stack, a man who loved his country so much, that he martyred himself to avoid paying taxes to it.

Taking a break from his sex addiction therapy, Tiger Woods today discussed his recent problems and announced that he will switch to Christianity as per the advice of Fox News journalist Brit Hume.

Here is a snippet from Friday’s press conference with Woods from the Match Play Championship in Florida:

When Google Buzz came out, I wanted to be on the cutting edge of this fabulous new technology. I allowed them to opt me in immediately, even though I had no clue what Google Buzz is I opt-in’d too or why.

Personally, I liked the idea that the six people who read my blog would now have six different ways to find my new posts: Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Orkut, Digg & Buzz. I would now be able to much more effectively carpet-bomb them with myself.

Finally making our trek into Rio de Janeiro’s famed Sambódromo as part of the Imperatriz Leopoldinense Samba School, one thing became exceedingly clear – we weren’t seeing the big picture.

Originally posted Feb. 23, 2009 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles.

Sitting in a hotel in Rio, but one thought dominates discussion in the barren landscape of my mind: What the hell was I thinking?

The disconnect never fails to amaze me. Death on a personal level is a heart-wrenching, life-altering affair. The recovery is a long process, filled with grief. Losing a loved one stays with you until you finally join them. But being part of the machine that gives others the same grief on a spectacular level has little to no effect.

As Iran is in the midst of severe domestic turmoil and an uprising of its populace, Senate Republicans are prepared to do whatever it takes to save the brave American populace from the clutches of evil dictator President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and his boss, the Iranian Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Because for them, the situation in Iran has aways been about democracy.

(Originally posted Feb 4, 2009 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles)

Having gone over and over it, it’s clear now that there really is only one difference between myself and Colombian pop sensation Shakira. My hips lie.

The far right, convinced that Iranian Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad were planning to destroy the world today with its massive, unchecked nuclear arsenal, can rest easy thus far, as Iran seems only intent on showing the world it’s military might by making life Hell for it

BRAZIL – After temperatures soared to more than 100 degrees Fahrenheit today in both Sao Paulo and Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, a group of scientists working on a comprehensive study stated that Global Warming has now been proved, and no further testing or data is required on the subject.

“Our group went outside and felt extremely warm,” said noted climate Scientist John Timson. “This confirms all our beliefs. Global Warming is a fact.”

Senate Republicans and Democrats have done an admirable job showing that now may be the time for the filibuster to do away with Congress once and for all. As the nation shakily tries to regain its footing on precarious economic recovery – one that is very likely to turn back into an economic crisis at any minute – it may be time for both parties to use the filibuster non-stop until Congress itself is permanently shelved.

This was originally posted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles on Jan. 27, 2009

Louie Psihoyos wants to win an Academy Award. For the Director of the Oscar-nominated documentary “The Cove,” being nominated is great, but when the envelope is opened, he wants to hear his film called out. Mind you, Psihoyos doesn’t much care about the award itself (“I’d probably give it to the crew,” he said.), but he wants what he sees as the biggest benefit an Oscar offers – a massive audience.

Dear Tea Partiers,

For a long, long time now, I’ve been hearing American Patriots going on and on about how they’ve lost their country. And by “long, long time” I mean “since Barack Obama was elected President.” And by “going on and on” I mean, “freaking out about Barack Obama being elected President.” But this is neither here nor there.

WASHINGTON – Timothy Johnson was taking a walk near his home in Washington, D.C., when he walked near Capitol Hill. Noticing his shoe was untied, Johnson bent to tie it. Then all hell broke loose, as his actions somehow filibustered every bill currently in Congress, as well as placed holds all of President Barack Obama’s nominations for government positions.

“That was me?” said Johnson. “Eek. I’m really sorry about that.”

It seems the moment that Barack Obama took over the Presidency of the United States, his overall message changed. “Change We Can Believe in” morphed into “Bipartisanship: Now and Forever.” Like Bill Clinton before him, the need for Republican acceptance has become a an almost fetish for Obama, with the results thus far quite predictable – the U.S. government is now radically partisan.

ANCHORAGE - Recently released e-mails by the Alaska State Government showed that Sarah Palin’s youngest daughter Piper, then 7, handled most of Alaska’s State business in 2008.

“If I don’t get a happy meal, heads are going to roll,” thundered Piper in an e-mail to then-Lt. Governor Sean Parnell in March. “And the toy better not be doodie!”