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WASHINGTON – Determined to show the world that they’re serious about saving money, today the Obama Administration unleashed dual proposals. The first is to freeze government spending in 2012 and 2013. The second is to furlough all Federal Government employees on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

While the better part of the United States has tumbled into disarray with the fighting of multiple wars, war crimes, high unemployment and a completely screwed up financial sector, Hollywood has done very little to help out the nation. Sure, they’ve made movies and done some stupid things, but the U.S. is in desperate need of a BIG story to take their short attention spans away from the carnage.

Originally Published in the UK Times Online

A minor incident in a barber’s shop last week has helped me to realize that I may no longer be straight. Not a fully fledged straight guy, anyway; perhaps not even a part-timer who helps the team out when it’s busy. It appears I may be going Gay.

WASHINGTON – Convinced that Max Baucus is still the key to his Presidency, President Barack Obama will forego his role in upcoming State of the Union Address, instead allowing the Senator from Montana give it.

Looking to capitalize quickly on the Supreme Court Ruling that allows corporations unlimited financial involvement in elections, McDonalds Corp. has announced it will soon begin a new contest called “You Pick the President.”

WASHINGTON – The White House and Congressional Democrats – aware of building anger in their base – have announced they plan to go forward with a modified Health Care Reform Bill that they feel will certainly make its way to President Barack Obama’s desk.

WASHINGTON – Senate Democrats, chastened by Republican Scott Brown’s Senate victory in Massachusetts, have admitted that they have learned a valuable lesson after seeing their advantage in the senate drop to a paltry 59-41. The lesson? Stop trying to do things.

“This is a wake-up call,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.). “It’s time to slam on the brakes and stop everything. The people have spoken.”

For the past year or so, one question has been on everyone’s mind: What does UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar think about Universal Health Care?

Finally, we have an answer – not much.

“I love Canada,” said Lesnar. “Some of the best people and best hunting in the world, but I wasn’t in the right facility.”

While Democrats are fretting about what to do about health care reform following Scott Brown's Senate victory in Massachusetts, many have brought up the idea that they should use the legislative process known as Reconciliation to pass a reform bill.

The mainstream media, always happy to run with a meme, have decided that Reconciliation is an obscure, sneaky process:

AFGHANISTAN – Jesus Christ looked through his rifle scope. More than 200 yards away was known Muslim Ali-Aba Khan. With preternatural calm, Christ stared intently, lining up his shot. When he pulled the trigger, the back of Khan’s head exploded. Christ picked up his rifle and walked away.

“The power of Christ compelled him,” said a chuckling Christ.

MASSACHUSETTS – In a pre-emptive strike, Fox News, the GOP and the campaign of Scott Brown have come forward to file federal electoral complaints against the Black Panthers and the group ACORN.

“The fact that I haven’t already been declared the winner shows that there is massive voter fraud going on,” said Brown, several hours before the polls closed. “I blame ACORN.”

These are sad times. The world is a confused, chaotic mess. War is now considered diplomacy. Freedom is but a catch phrase with no literal meaning. Life is getting more perilous and frightening for more and more people.

And my beard’s a mess. And that really saddens me.

AMERICA – The U.S. came to a grinding halt today, as everyone in America lost their keys.

“I could have sworn I put them on the counter,” said Tom Jenkins of Riverside, Calif. “Honest to God, I just can’t remember where I put them. No idea whatsoever.”

MASSACHUSETTS – Disgruntled Democrats – unhappy with candidate Martha Coakley – could throw President Barack Obama’s agenda for a loop as a large group of liberal voters have come forward to say that they will write-in Satan as their vote in tomorrow’s

While the team’s are still undecided, this Super Bowl XLIV promises to be a truly spectacular event where all Americans can come together and be thankful – for the fact that Tim Tebow’s mom didn’t abort him.

From the Denver Post:

Focus on the Family will air a 30-second “life- and family-affirming” television spot, featuring University of Florida star quarterback Tim Tebow and his mother, Pam, during the coverage.

BURBANK – Following a week that saw its late-night line-up explode in controversy, NBC has now announced that ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich will be the new host of the “Tonight Show,” and that the show will be moved to Sunday at 8 a.m.

Just thinking …

For those of you that enjoy a good serial, I whole-heartedly advise you to spend a little time paying attention to Overstock.com CEO Patrick Byrne. Because, day-in, day-out, Byrne delivers the goods.