Michael Wolraich's picture

    Get Yer Hot D-Bills Here!

    Loyal readers have been anxiously following dagblog.com's financial troubles in this difficult economy. On Tuesday, after dagblog's appeals for federal assistance were rebuffed, I sadly announced that all the other members of the dagblog team would have to be let go.

    But in response to overwhelming concern for the well-being of the dagbloggers and their families and also because they simply would not leave, dagblog management has decided to hire back the bloggers. (In what one analyst has called "the most shortsighted decision of the decade," management has also chosen not to rename the website GenghisGenghisGenghis.com.)

    In order to finance dagblog's operations, our CFO, who asked not to be named to avoid prosecution, has come up with a creative scheme, or rather strategy, for maintaining cash flow:

    Introducing the D-Bill

    D-Bills are zero coupon bonds which, like T-Bills, will be repaid at the time of maturity one year from purchase. Backed by dagblog's extensive assets, which include a catchy domain name and a very large assortment of Obama buttons and bumper stickers, analysts consider D-Bills to be one of the safest investments on the internet today.

    D-Bill value is based on a new type of trading currency known as the "dag." In our initial offering, dags will be sold for $0.92* and can be redeemed one year from purchase for $1.00**. The value of the dag will be allowed to float, and we expect the price to increase rapidly after the initial offering as investors clamor for safe, lucrative D-Bills.

    Some skeptics have argued that since dagblog is technically insolvent, the organization cannot afford to take on debt at this time. Dagblog's own Deadman has repeatedly insisted that before it can recover, dagblog must be spanked hard for its past excesses. In particular, he points to the optimistic purchase of massive quantities of Obama buttons, bumper stickers, and other election knickknacks, arguing that before recovery is possible, dagblog must purge the bad swag. Nonetheless, dagblogger DF has conclusively proven with hard data and lots of economic jargon that Deadman is a wanker.

    Other critics are concerned about the possibility that Canadian investors may buy up the majority of the D-Bills, leaving dagblog open to foreign influence by a particularly dangerous and unpredictable regime. While no one disputes that the Canadians have the will and the means, analysts expect their inferior political system to collapse of its own weight once they return from prorogation.

    D-Bills will be released in six denominations corresponding to the six dagbloggers. In addition, we will offer a limited release of commemorative D-Bills for collectors. The D-Bills will be sold in a single price auction from 2/23 to 3/6. Please make out checks to Genghis and write down your credit card number and ATM password somewhere on the check. We thank our readers for your loyalty in helping dagblog to survive these troubled times.

    * American dollars
    ** Zimbabwean dollars




    Commemorative D-Bills (Limited release)

    D-Bills printed exclusively by Festisite


    I'm not gonna ask what's on the back side of these bills.

    Once again the lowly commenter gets jeezluled.  First out of the blue, through no fault of ours, you say you will have to shut down (but only after the bonuses are distributed).  Then, you turn around and offer (offer mind you) to let the little commenter bail you out of the sinking boat that you so gleefully drilled the holes in.  And the Hi ya canadies, new in town, have you a spare dime is just typical fecklessness of all you big time boys.  As apparently the only true blue american lowly commenter on a regular basis around here I must tell you I have had about enough of your shenaigans.  This site is becoming a moral hazzard.

    To bluesplashy and all the other bitter shortsighted haters out there: We dagbloggers are the foundation of the economy. Without us, it call comes crashing down. In other words, we earned the right to exploit you.

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