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    God signs new 4-year deal with Democrats: “I can finally get my Mom a new house”

    HEAVEN – God, the controversial creator of everything everywhere, has signed a new deal with the Democratic Party that will keep him in their fold for the next four years.

    “This is just a thrill,” said God, 42. “There so much uncertainty in this game, but now I feel as though I’ve finally made it.”

    The Democratic Party had considered releasing God outright in its current platform, but – under pressure from the Republican Party – decided at the last minute to offer the All-Powerful Deity the new deal. Details of the contract have yet to be released, but it is thought God will receive a generous package that includes having a say in all future Democratic decisions.

    “Really, this is awesome. Now, I can finally get my Mom that new house she’s always wanted,” said God, an Aquarius. “Now it’s all about suiting up and sticking my hands into everything I can.”

    The Democratic Party also announced today that Reality-Based Progressive Thinking has been placed on irrevocable waivers to make roster space for God. Also, Jerusalem as the Capital of Israel has been placed on the Practice Squad.


    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles


    Granted, there was that scandal about performance-enhancing practices. Sure, it's tough to trace, but you know God HAD to have turned to prayer to lift his game from time to time. It's only human.

    I hear he copped some of that stuff that made the Chinese swimmer half-boy and the Turkish girls long-distance runners. Which would be making God more manly or man more Godly, or some XYG wunder-chromosome.

    In any case Lance Armstrong has been clamoring at the Gates of St. Peter for days now, but easier to fit a bicycle through a needle than for a competing doper to get into heaven.

    Now that God's been let into the Democratic Party, doncha think he could maybe lighten up a notch on Heaven's entrance requirements? Just a bit?

    Like, for starters, he's gonna hafta let homos in now, I would think. Maybe do a rewrite on that gays are an"abomination" thing. Maybe spin that he meant "abominable" - like the Snowman - which in Hebrew means, "hellacious cute." We should probably check with Begala on that. 

    He's probably also gonna hafta start letting in druggies and rockstars and other halfwits Democratic Party stalwarts. Tom Petty's pretty much in, I figure, or else he'll revoke the rights to Won't Back Down. Then again, we could just fuck Tom over royally - tell him to go to hell with his song, and let God give him the boot in person!

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