GULF OF MEXICO – Dressed in only swimming trunks, U.S. President Barack Obama today swam 5,000 feet down and plugged the spewing geyser of oil left by the British Petroleum Oil rig that exploded April 20. Obama used the bodies of Bill Ayers and Jeremiah Wright to plug the well, thus saving the Gulf of Mexico and the U.S. from even worse contamination from the oil spill.

After coming up from his dive, Obama then shot Faisal Shahzad – the U.S. citizen of Pakistani origin accused of driving the explosives-laden car into Times Square on Saturday evening – square between the eyes.

According to White House sources, Obama said he hoped his miraculous act combined with his act of raw vengeance would help ensure that “bipartisanship” would result.

“Meh,” said radio entertainer Rush Limbaugh. “It would have closed itself eventually.”

Other Republicans were equally unimpressed.

“This was obviously a political stunt,” said U.S. Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell. “We’ll still filibuster whoever he nominates to the Supreme Court. And everything else for that matter.”

Following his adventures in the Gulf, White House sources said Obama was headed to Tennessee, where he’d help flood victims, using the tied-together bodies of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as a life raft.

“We’re really hoping these acts will help get a more bipartisan atmosphere in Congress,” said the White House spokesperson.

Republican leader Sarah Palin said the President’s efforts would all be for naught.

“I could have done all that,” wrote Palin on her Facebook page. “But once oil is coming out of the ground, I sure as heck ain’t gonna stop it.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles