Ostrich Farm Coming to Happerty

By Bob Haskins, Jr.,

HAPPERTY (April 19, 2014) – Attempting to encourage healthy eating in town, Bob Haskins announced today he will be starting an ostrich farm on his three-acre plot of land behind the Save & Spend. The new farm promises to make ostrich meat and ostrich eggs a new staple on citizens’ menus.

“We’re pretty excited about this,” said Haskins, 67. “Ostrich meat is 100 times more healthy for people than beef or chicken and much less expensive. This farm will make us all healthier and happier.”

Haskins said he envisioned 100 new full-time jobs being created due to the farm, a number which would put Happerty – with a current population of 1,700 – at full employment.

Mayor Nick Benson said he believed the ostrich farm was a “blessing for our happy town,” and would help draw in curious visitors from out of town – visitors that would spend money in Happerty.

“I believe we shall become known for the noble ostrich,” said the Mayor. “This is a great moment for all our citizens.”

Haskins Ostrich farm will be the first new business in Happerty since 2003, when Edna Fairchild opened “Eclectic Edna Electronics,” which went out of business in 2004, following the Downtown fire.

Ostriches arrive in Happerty

By Bob Haskins, Jr.

HAPPERTY (May 7, 2014) – Bob Haskins’ dream of an ostrich farm came to fruition today, as 100 young ostriches arrived via truck. Haskins called this day “The most important day in Happerty since the Selma girl got a job as a back-up singer with The Go-Gos.”

Haskins Ostrich Farm officially opened for business at 12:38 p.m., as the first ostriches came to the farm. The farm is now the biggest ostrich farm in the state.

“We will dominate the ostrich market, you hear that Happerty?” said Haskins.

A few concerned citizens have pointed out that the lack of ostrich farms in the state is due to the extremely frigid and long winters. Haskins said the accusations were “balderdash from paranoids.”

“Listen, the ostrich is an amazing bird,” said Haskins. “I was told they grow an extra layer of feathers in the winter for warmth. They are, essentially, Huskies of the bird world.”

Haskins added that fresh ostrich eggs and meat should be available by the beginning of the year.

Ostrich Farm Owner Warns Rock-Throwing Kids

 By Bob Haskins Jr.

HAPPERTY (July 27, 2014) – Following three seperate incidents of kids throwing rocks at his prized ostriches, Bob Haskins – owner of Haskins Ostrich Farm – came forward today with a warning for the youths.

“Listen, you kids don’t really know ostriches,” said Haskins. “They can be extremely dangerous if provoked.”

Haskins went on to say that unlike many birds, ostriches have razor-sharp teeth to go with claws and the strength of three men. When provoked, Haskins said, they can go into a blind rage.

“So, parents, warn your kids not to throw rocks at the ostriches. It’s for their own good,” added Haskins.

Haskins added that the farm was running smoothly and the first eggs should be on the market next week.

Ostrich Eggs Reach the Market

By Bob Haskins, Jr.

HAPPERTY (August 12, 2014) - Calling it “A victory for capitalism and Happerty,” Bob Haskins personally delivered five dozen fresh ostrich eggs to the Save & Spend. The eggs quickly sold out to interested Happertyites.

“They look exactly like other eggs, but I hear they’re better,” said Mayor Nick Benson. “I really thought they would be bigger, tho. But, seriously, this is great.”

Haskins said the eggs were smaller due to the “trauma of relocation” for the ostriches and that rumors that he had just bought five dozens regular eggs in nearby Colson County were “slanderous half-truths.” Haskins said that unknown elements were trying to sabotage the farm by spreading false rumors.

“These are ostrich eggs, trust me” said Haskins. “They’ll be bigger next time.”

75 ostriches “Spread Their Wings and Go with God”

By Bob Haskins, Jr.

HAPPERTY (December 27, 2014) – Seventy-five ostriches froze to death following the season’s first good cold snap, Haskins Ostrich Farm reported.

“Well, I didn’t see this coming,” said Bob Haskins, owner of Haskins Ostrich Farm. “I guess it was just time for these ostriches to spread their wings and go with God.”

Haskins added that he will keep his remaining 14 ostriches inside the barn for the remainder of the winter.

“Really, I was assured that ostriches could handle the cold,” said Haskins. “Well, fool me once …”

Haskins said the meat from the frozen ostriches will be available at the Save & Spend later this afternoon.

Crazed Townspeople Massacre Remaining Ostriches

 By Bob Haskins, Jr.

 HAPPERTY (April 12, 2015) – An escaped ostrich from Haskins Ostrich Farm created a panic among townspeople, who stormed the farm, killed every ostrich and destroyed every ostrich egg.

“It was them or us,” said Joe Stephens, bartender at The Grill.

The incident began when one osrich found a hole in the fence at the farm. The ostrich then wandered into town, terrifying residents who had been warned that ostriches have razor-sharp teeth and quick tempers.

“Ignorance, that’s what caused this,” said a tearful Bob Haskins. “They’re gone, they’re all gone.”

A mob quickly gathered around the lone ostrich and people began attacking it with sticks, knives and guns. Not sated, the terrified and crazed mob stormed the Haskins farm and mutilated all remaining animals.

“Wow, that was ugly, huh?” said Mayor Nick Benson. “Like I said, we shall be known for the ostrich.”

As the stench of dead ostrich wafted through town, Haskins said he had learned some valuable lessons.

“This town just wasn’t ready for ostriches, that’s about it,” said Haskins. “And now, two good men and one woman have lost their part-time jobs at my farm. It’s just sad all around.”

Haskins said he will now devote more time to his primary job as publisher of this newspaper.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles