Over the past few decades, the Republican brand has become a somewhat-confused morass of ideologies and beliefs, with the party losing large blocks of voters on several different issues. Recently, the decision by the State of Arizona to treat all Mexican and Latin people as potential criminals has crippled the Republican National Committee with the Mexican community, for instance.

To help clarify the RNC positions and its platform, Chairman Michael Steele today announced what the Republican base is – Tim Johnson, a 47-year-old businessman from Tupelo, Miss. According to the RNC, Johnson “holds all the values and attributes” the Republican Party want.”

• Johnson owns three guns.
• Johnson owns six flags.
• Johnson is a Protestant and attends church on a semi-regular basis when it’s not NFL season. If asked, he is “devout.”
• Johnson attended community college for one semester.
• Johnson is male.
• Johnson doesn’t dislike African-Americans or other minorities. But he doesn’t trust them, either.
• Johnson earns approximately $200,000 in a job his father set him up with.
• Johnson believes that in America, if a man is willing to work hard, he’ll succeed.
• Johnson isn’t sure if Barack Obama is legally allowed to be President. But he’s interested in how that all plays out.
• Johnson is on his third marriage, and has five children.
• Johnson distrusts government and politicians.
• Johnson is white.
• Johnson thinks Kyle Busch is a dick.

Johnson said he’s excited to officially be the Republican base.

“I always said they should listen to me and it looks like they will now,” said Johnson. “But you never know with them damned politicians.”

Steele said he believed the "Tim Johnson Strategy" would result in big wins come November.

“Tim Johnson has it all. The requisite 2:1 flag-to-gun ration, the marital record, the religious standing, just everything,” said Steele. “We’re after people who are Tim Johnson and Tim Johnson-like.”

Steele again added that the name wasn’t of primary significance.

“Really, if you’re name isn’t Tim Johnson, come down and we’ll see if you qualify to be part of our base,” said Steele. “And you know, being A Tim Johnson doesn’t guarantee anything. We’re going to be pretty strict here. But we’re on a roll. Trust me.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles