William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Shock and Amen: Let's take the war to God

    It wasn’t long ago that we all celebrated our final, decisive victory in the War on Christmas. Once we saw that Fox News had taken to using the world “Holiday” repeatedly, it had become official. The dreaded scourge that was Christmas had once and for all been destroyed.

    Of course, the celebration was kept to a minimum. That’s because we have bigger things in mind. Unfortunately, our secret plans have been made public by former White House spokesman Tony Snow. Now, the world is aware of the next stage of our battle.

    So now it is time to commence the War on God.

    Yes, God, who has brought us nothing but pain and suffering, and who has allowed humans to create WMDs is now in our cross hairs. And while we realize that God is a worthy foe, it is time to bring the battle to It. If we are ever to rid the world of violence, faith and WMDs, God must be destroyed. And with malice. Because if we don’t bring God down in horrific fashion, another God will just pop up to take Its place.

    It is time for Operation Heaven Storm.

    Many will feel its foolish to go after God, but God has shown time and time again that It is a mass-murdering megalomaniac that demands utter submission to Its will. A modern, enlightened society can not allow this God to continue unabated. It must be destroyed, once and for all. Only then can we move on to other targets.

    Operation Heaven Storm will be the greatest secular military strike in the history of the Universe. It is a multiple-staged plan that will not just destroy God, but humiliate and humble It.

    First comes the air attack. Using a tactic of Shock and Amen, we will carpet bomb heaven with specially made Heaven-busting tactical nukes. This will immediately show God and his minions that we mean business. After two to three months of non-stop bombing, we will send in ground troops. While many say God is omnipotent, we figure the tactical nuke attack will soften It up quite a bit. We will then hunt down God like the mangy dog It is.

    Once God is in U.S. custody, we will immediately have someone punch it right in the face. Then we will spit on it and call It names.

    Then the interrogation will begin. You see, God knows things. It knows a lot of things. Hell, It knows Everything. And we will squeeze every last ounce of information from God, one way or another.

    God will then be sent via secret air service to Romania, where the full interrogation will begin. First, we will leave God naked in a cold cell for weeks at a time, while repeatedly playing the song “We Will Rock You” by Queen. God’s only interaction will be when guards throw freezing cold water on It. Also, twice a day interrogators will hurl insults at God, attach its genitalia to electrodes and shock them, and tell It that we will torture and murder both Jesus and the Virgin Mary unless he cooperates.

    We expect God to put up a fight, however. The War on God will not be pretty, but it will be effective. We will send attack dogs at God four times a day, then smear feces all over God’s face, then sexually humiliate God in a variety of ways.

    Then the waterboarding will begin, and continue until God finally breaks, spilling all the secrets to the universe, while sobbing and pissing itself.

    Then, based on his multiple crimes against humanity, God, sans lawyer, will be taken to a military tribunal, where he will undoubtedly be found guilty and sentenced to death. God will then be left naked in a freezing cold cell for three more months, until we finally put a bullet in the back of It’s head. We will then decapitate God and stick It’s head on a stick in front of the shattered remains of Heaven. This will warn any and all other gods that we mean business and are not to be trifled with.

    Then, and only then can we live in peace. The War on God will be won, and we will all rejoice.

    God has said that It created humans in It’s own image. Therefore, as a humanoid, it is necessary that God be punished for its crimes. There would be no WMD if there were no God. There would be no terrorists. There would be no pedophile priests. These are creations of God. And it is time that It paid the price.

    The War on God will not be easy, and we will suffer casualties, make no mistake. But in the end, we will win, and God will be no more. This monumental victory will be short lived, however, because God’s total destruction will lead to the next, much more difficult step in our agenda – Universal Health Care.


    Originally posted at Shakesville


    Caution needs to be the watchword here. According to God's autobiography, the Romans have already killed him once, and it didn't turn out like they thought it would. Of course, Neitzsche thought we'd already killed him, and I'm not convinced he's wrong.

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