Taking a break from his sex addiction therapy, Tiger Woods today discussed his recent problems and announced that he will switch to Christianity as per the advice of Fox News journalist Brit Hume.

Here is a snippet from Friday’s press conference with Woods from the Match Play Championship in Florida:

“Thanks for coming. During the past few months, as my life has collapsed down upon me in the most humiliating of fashions, I have learned some important lessons. First off, don’t f**k around with your earning potential. Trust me on this, it’s just stupid.

More importantly, I have learned that being a Buddhist in no way prepares a person for these types of situations. Thus, taking Brit Hume’s advice, I hereby announce that I am now a Christian.

In my theological pursuits, I have yet to find a major religion that is as accepting of serial adultery than Christianity. Now that I have accepted Jesus Christ as the one and true savior, I can apologize for my sins, and now I’m clean.

Christianity is perfect for those like me that are unable to deal with the sexual pressures that come from being a public figure. Time and time again, Christians have committed adultery, only to find themselves forgiven by God and the media alike. Praise Jesus.

So, my friends, please know that Jesus is in my life and he loves the sinner as long as the sinner apologizes. And this sinner has been apologizing left and right.

But now you are free to love me again. Because while I have made mistakes, Jesus forgives me. And if I’m good enough for him, than I should be good enough for you.

The sanctity of my marriage is now protected by Jesus. Also, I’ve been hitting some balls recently and my knee is in great shape. I should be back in time for the Masters. Praise Jesus. Drive a Buick.

While Woods did not say what denomination he now was, the mainstream media have now moved on from the Woods story, as per Jesus. Woods also said that since "Jesus was cool with steroids, there's no reason to discuss that, either." Finally. Woods announced that he will soon change his name to “Bobby Hogan,” in order to give off a friendlier, Christian vibe.

“He’s found Jesus now,” said golf writer Jason Sobel. “Bobby’s a good guy again.”

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles