When Abram turned 75, God told him to move out of his father’s house.

Commentary: I have to agree with God on this one.

To encourage him, God promised: “I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you great. You shall become a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and he who curses you, I will curse. All the families of the earth will be blessed through you.”

Commentary: I think that God had a little man-crush on Abram.

Opting for blessings and greatness over arrested development, Abram left his home with his sterile wife, Sarai, and his nephew, Lot. He followed God’s directions to the land of Canaan, but there were already Canaanites living there, which is probably why they called it Canaan.  So God said well OK, you can’t live here yet but maybe later. Knowing God’s fondness for animal sacrifices, Abraham expressed his gratitude by building an altar. He continued south, built God another altar, and continued on to Egypt, where he didn’t build any more altars.

Now Sarai was pretty hot for a 65-year-old, and Abram was worried that the horny Egyptians would kill him so that they could have her for themselves. So he told Sarai to pretend to be his sister. That way the Egyptians wouldn’t have to kill Abram if they wanted to have sex with Sarai.

Commentary: The father of the Jews was a model of chivalry.

Sure enough, the Pharaoh of Egypt was into hot older women, and he invited Sarai to shack up with him in the palace. He compensated her “brother” with sheep, cattle, donkeys, male and female slaves, she-donkeys, and camels.

Commentary: The Egyptians were kinky.

Now Abram may have appreciated the she-donkeys, but God was not cool with this arrangement. Not at all. Yet instead of punishing Abram for lying and prostituting his wife, God tormented Pharaoh with severe, unspecified plagues.

Commentary: We’ll see later that tormenting Egyptians is one of God’s favorite pastimes.

Somehow, Pharaoh figured out that the plagues were happening because Sarai was really Abram’s wife, and he was very pissed off about having been plagued because of Abram’s deceit, so he sent Abram and Sarai packing. But he was nice enough to leave Abram the sheep and slaves and she-donkeys.

Commentary: Pharaoh was cool. Abram was a weenie.

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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