Today, you can’t walk down the street without being ideologically undressed by an American Patriot. The streets and roads are chock-full of good, hard-working Americans who want their country back from those that stole it from them.

But just being an American Patriot isn’t enough these days. Today, we need LEADERS. We need GREAT American Patriots that not only understand the incalculable importance of writing in all caps, but also understand that this is a time of action.

Luckily, I am here to help. You see, friends, I know the secrets to becoming an American Patriot worth respecting. That’s because I lived with them for so many years. Like Jane Goodall, I studied these Patriots from afar, gathering information and occasionally eating ribs with them. I understand Patriots.

So, you want to be a Great American Patriot?? Here’s how:

1) Come up with a gloriously patriotic and Christian name for your cause, for Example: “Jesus’s Fighting Red, White & Blue Eagles of Victory.”

2)Join Twitter, FaceBook, Stormfront, MySpace, or any other social networking site where you can find like-minded people who also believe that God & Jesus are their biggest fans.

3) Flood your followers with links from Ayn Rand, the John Birch Society as well as vague insinuations of the need for civil war and the occasional “Obama as a monkey.” joke. Also, make sure one of every four comment you make is scripture.

4) Find a place where people are trying to intelligently discuss issues. Start screaming that everyone’s socialist, fascist, communist, Amish, or whatever. Context is meaningless here. Call them all Episcopalians if you like, no one will know. Just disrupt and make an ass of yourself. Your patriotism will be touted.

5) Patiently wait until another White Republican male is elected President. Rejoice that you have the country back. Slumber for four years.

Trust me, with this plan you can’t miss. For extra credit, send every family member an endless barrage of e-mails that are probably untrue, but will let your family members know you disapprove of them terribly.

And then, my friend, you will be a Great American Patriot. Walk tall, brave American. You’ll get a country back some day.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles