I was recently watching "How to Swap Your Newly Wed Bride" on the food channel when I was struck with an epiphany. Well, I do not know if you can really be struck with an epiphany.  The Magi were not struck with anything. They were certainly struck by a star in the East. But did you ever notice that when you follow a star, I mean, it always seems to remain as far away as ever? I mean you can never really catch up to a Star in the East so to speak. I mean eventually the sun will rise and you will lose sight of the star you were following....

On the other hand, St. Paul was kind of struck hard with an epiphany. I mean he fell off his high horse, so to speak. Although, did the epiphany startle the horse?  Well, I digress...

I thought about Randy Duke Cunningham today. You know there are supposed to be five or six or seven 'stages' for just about anything. When catastrophe shows its ugly face, people end up:

In denial

It never happened. EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK.

In Anger.

Goddamn it all!!   (refuses to bless himself)

In Bargaining

Okay, okay. I get it now. But I would not have missed that putt if the wind had not all of a sudden come up and besides the ball was off balance as they say, I should have used a new ball and besides some idiot had those shoes that dig into the putting surface...

In Depression

I do not wish to see anyone today.(Only this goes on for five or six or seven years.)

Acceptance

Okay, okay...I guess I will never get a job as a pundit on MSNBC

Randy Duke Cunningham demonstrated what I call, the five normal stages of repub ignomy. Remember, the worst sin that a repub can commit is to get caught. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/03/03/politics/main1366161.shtml

1.               Denial:  At the beginning, when the charges were first coming down the pike against this stunning repub member of congress, the Duke said: I never did this. I like boats. I have saved up for this yaught for 25 years. Clipping coupons and smoking those pretend cigarettes that pretend to be mini cigars, and by refusing to let my wife go shopping with more than $100.00 in cash.

2.               I am so busy:  What charges are these? I am busy attempting to do something for those wonderful people in my district and for the country that I love. I have no time to worry about such insignificant things. The Attorneys are involved in all this clap trap.

3.               I cannot comment:  There is an ongoing investigation and I really cannot comment on this matter until that investigation is complete.

4.               Countercharge: These charges are nothing but political in nature. They are coming for me because I stand up for what I believe in and I am a war hero and I am totally innocent of all these charges which are initiated for political purposes only. And the Democrats are attempting to drive us all into socialism and besides, I never really liked boats and I get sea sick easily.

5.               Crying Stage:  I am soooooo sorry for what I have done. I have spent my entire life in public service and ..sob...sob...sob...I do not know what came over me. I am so ashamed for everything I have done. This stage usually occurs after conviction and after your attorneys tell you that an appeal will most probably bear no fruits and you have to stay in prison the entire time the appeal is going on anyway and right before sentencing and the accused attempts to get as many camera angles available in order for the Judge to see exactly how sorry the bastard really is.

But dicky cheney has come up with an entirely new type of sequence with regard to encountering charges of a serious nature.  While in office:

1.               LIE:  Lie. Always lie. Do not ever go on the defensive. Always lie in an offensive manner.  We went into Iraq because Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.  But you ask, where are the weapons of mass destruction?  Well, just because we have not found them yet does not mean they do not exist. I mean we just have not found them yet.  This can go on for at least two years.

2.               LIE:  We went into Iraq because we knew there was a connection between Saddam and Al Qaeda and it all took place in Austria. I mean we know that it all occurred in Austria because, well I mean when was the last time anything happened in Austria?

3.               LIE:  We went into Iraq because Iraq had a nuclear program going and that one day, sooooon, nuclear missiles would be on their way across the Atlantic to our EasternShores or across the Pacific to our WesternShores. Now just because we have not found any tangible evidence of a nuclear program does not mean that the program did not exist. We just have not found the evidence.

4.               LIE:  We initially went into Iraq because we needed to spread democracy to a region devoid of democratic processes and we have been victorious in creating a bastion of democracy in an area that never had democratic processes.

5.               LIE:  Anyone who attempts to discredit what our administration was attempting to do is a traitor to the tenets of our democracy and Plame and that goddamn husband of hers (refuses to bless himself) should be in prison right now and my chief aide Scooter was guilty of nothing and ....

These were the five Cheney Stages during his time in office.  Following his tenure in office, Cheney entered a new set of stages:

1.               Lie:  America is stronger today because we were able to invade Iraq and were victorious

2.               Lie:  America is less safe now because the new African American Administration does not care to make us safe from attack any longer

3.               Lie:  Enhanced Interrogation Techniques made us safer as a country and we were able to extract certain truths about what was taking place in Iraq and other terrorist strongholds because we extracted these truths like teeth in that Dustin Hoffman flick of yesteryears.

4.               Lie:  9/11 was an important wake up call because 9/11 was so scary and everything and we never saw 9/11 coming because we were not torturing people at the time and 9/11 was a wake up call to begin protecting America in a meaningful manner and 9/11 will happen again because these negro guys really do not know what they are doing....

5.               Lie:  I can comment on anything any time I wish because I am invincible and I will never be taken down by mere mortals and I know everything there is to know and if you think for one minute that I am going to make a checker's speech you are sure mistaken because that is never going to happen.

So there you have it, the five stages of cheney lies. Now you will notice that the first five stages of the cheney grief process are capitalized. And that is because those lies mattered. I mean he had all the info and he was in power.

Now he is just a formal shill of a man and it really does not matter what he says.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npjOSLCR2hE