I know you're all very concerned that some people who should lose their homes won't or that they won't lose their homes in a timely enough fashion.  Don't worry.  People will be homeless.  Our banks and government will see to it that miscreants are punished.  The Market, wronged deity that it is, will not be mocked.  It demands justice and homelessness.

I know you're all worried because this has (predictably) been the focus of most foreclosure scandal coverage.  Are people getting something for nothing because of some paperwork and procedural errors?  Are they gumming up the court systems with their petty excuses and requests when they should be chopping up their furniture for easy removal by garbage trucks?  Are they getting something they don't deserve?

Your bank would like you to know that it only forecloses on bad people.  So don't go sympathizing with these deadbeats or taking their side.  They're only in this mess because they're bad.  Who cares if they don't even have a mortgage?  The Market (hallowed be its name) wouldn't be punishing them if they hadn't done something bad.

Let's pretend something for a moment.  Let's pretend that somebody who really is behind on their payments gets to keep their house because somebody lost a key document proving that the borrower owes any money.  This has not yet happened, by the way, and it likely will never happen but pretend.  Let's pretend that somebody gets a free house and the bank has to eat the loss.

Does that make you angry?

Because I have to admit -- it doesn't bother me.  I mean, sure, it might kind of annoy me while I'm sending my rent check to my landlord.  But it doesn't really bug me.  I'm certainly not going to get worked up over justice for the bank.

It seems I'm in the minority there and that people need to be punished for "buying homes they couldn't afford."

Of course, the banks will game you any chance they get.  Try being a day late on your credit card payment and see what happens.  It's just a day, right?  You're still paying all the interest.  You're still basically current.  But they can charge you a $30 fee for that and, you know what?  They will!  They can bump up your interest rate by 10 percentage points for that, and you know what?  They will!  What if you forget to transfer money from your savings account to your checking account and wind up bouncing a check?  They'll transfer the money for you and charge you $10 to do it.  Why $10?  Because that's what they want!  It has nothing at all to do with the cost of moving $50 for you.  The bank can pretty much do that for free.  But they want $10 and so they must have it and you must give it.  But all of this is okay, right?  It's all in the disclosures the bank gives you.  The bank is very upfront about fees and rules and whatnot.  You just have to read the documents.  If you don't like the terms, just go to some other bank!  What do you mean they all basically have the same terms!  Well then negotiate the contract with them.  What am I, your mommy?  Of course you can't even talk to anyone within the bank who would have the authority to negotiate its terms and conditions.  You need to be a more important person.  You're never going to get your way being a nobody.  Being a nobody is just going to get your ass foreclosed upon.

Of course, this is just the little abuse.  If your bank gets into big trouble you will be abused mightily.  You might have to five Goldman Sachs $15 billion by bailing out AIG.  Then, later, after it has kept $15 billion, Goldman will tell you, with a straight face, that it paid back the taxpayer for "everything it owed with interest so now get out of our faces."  I would also like to take $15 billion from the taxpayer and then call us square.

So banks get things they don't deserve all of the time, whether it's by nickel and diming customers with fees ($3 to use an ATM, just because it's in a strip club?) or billion dollar bailouts (just for taking the President of the New York Fed to a strip club with an overpriced ATM?  Given this, why in the Hell are we so concerned that somebody, somewhere, might use either a technicality or the force of the court system to get one over on a bank?

Here's an even better question: why are we worried about that when it hasn't even happened?  ATM fees?  Those happen.  Fees for being a day late on a payment? Those happen.  Changes in lending terms that apply to existing debt balances?  Yep, that happens.  Banks raiding the Treasury to stay solvent?  Happens.  Deadbeats getting free houses because somebody forgot to sign an affidavit attached to a foreclosure proceeding?  That has never happened.  But it's a terrifying thought, isn't it?

What I've learned from reading the coverage of the foreclosure mess is this: we hate each other and we love our big companies and that is that.  We really, really do not wish each other well.  I think in all seriousness it's that we're all to one extent or another afraid of finding ourselves without a home.  We know it happens and we know we're not so special that it can't happen to us but we want to believe we are.  So we have to consider that it only happens to people who have some sort of moral defect.  It only happens to deadbeats.  The bank won't come for my home, for my property, for my life.  I'm a good person.  I love you, bank.  I hate those bad people.  Please don't hurt me.

Pathological, ain't it?