My friends, the United States is at a difficult place in its history. More difficult than the Civil War when brother fought brother. More difficult than the Great Depression and its 25 percent unemployment. More difficult than the turbulent 1960s with its hippies, communists and rash of assassinations. More difficult than the years we were tortured with the knowledge that Bill Clinton received oral sex. Ok, maybe not that difficult, but I’m on a roll so bear with me.

Today’s USA is dealing with a problem that no other generation has ever had to deal with – Poor People. It seems that today, there’s a poor person hiding behind every tree, and let me tell you, we’ve got a hell of a lot of trees. But there is a solution. It’s time to cut down those trees (figuratively, again, rolling).

Today, I stand before you to announce a new proposal. A proposal that will grab America by the ankles, hold it upside down and give it a shake. My friends, it is time to declare war on the poor.

Now, I’m not talking about one of those theoretical, unwinnable wars like the war on drugs or the war on terrorism. No, I’m talking guns, bullets, tanks, and even tactical nuclear weapons if need be. The poor have brought this nation to its knees, and they only continue to multiply. It is time to snuff out the threat. As Thomas Friedman so famously said, it’s time to tell the poor to “suck on this.”

You see, over the past 30 years, the U.S. government has done all it could to wipe out the poor. We’ve decreased the social safety net. We’ve refused to give them access to affordable health care. We’ve let their schools deteriorate. But the poor remain, more poor and miserable than ever. And that’s just bringing us non-poor people down. So its time to send in the Marines.

My friends, now more than ever, its time to handle the problem of poverty once and for all. Preferably with armed drones. Because the U.S. has too long waged war on the poor with its hands tied. America has tried to rid itself of the poor, one way or another, for years. But now it’s time to be blatantly obvious about it. If you’re over 25 and making less than $25K a year, you are an enemy of the state.

It is time to stop the slow bleed and have a river of blood. Only then will America be what it once was – a land of a select few rich folk murdering the native population.

Thank you, and remember, Jesus is the one and true savior. And I'm sure he'd be on board with this.

–WKW