With the film “2012″ opening soon, many of the world’s great thinkers have accepted the movie’s premise as fact. The world as we know it will come to a grinding halt in the year 2012, they believe, because the Mayans said so.

Such logic is impossible to refute. When ancient civilizations predict something, it generally happens. The history of the planet has been foretold long ago by civilizations that - while blessed with incredible foresight and predictive powers - were unfortunately unable to see their own demise staring them in the face. Thus, the end of the world is a virtual certainty.

While this is considered a radical and “moronic” opinion in some circles, history has shown us that if there’s one thing you can count on, it’s ancient societies correctly predicting future events:

The Hittites foretold of a U.S. President named “Baraq Kissinger Obawma” who would create or save nearly 734 million jobs but receive little credit for it due to being President at the time of the apocalypse.

Philosophers of the Lost Island of Atlantis accurately predicted the invention of scuba gear, though were off base in their predictions that humans would grow gills. Many researchers have claimed the Atlanteans were guilty of what scientists have called “Wishful Thinking.”

In ancient Greece, the famed philosopher Socrates reportedly predicted a future where “Ignorance and mediocrity will hold sway,” an obvious reference to Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagger movement.

In South America, the Incas predicted the arrival of a young man that would glamor millions despite having no discernible talent aside from “creepy mouth gestures” - clearly referring to “Twilight” star Robert Pattinson’s overly entitled smug poutiness.

The Vikings - known more for their warrior spirit - made perhaps the most accurate prediction of all, when archeologists recently discovered scrolls that stated “Whomever shall thrust Jon & Kate Gosselin upon a society shalt be disemboweled with a rusty spoon.”

That the world is soon to end is no reason for panic, mind you. The Apocalypse will bring with it a plethora of positives.

Global problems like the economic crisis, swine flu, climate change, disrespectful teenagers, Glenn Beck and erectile function will all vanish immediately into the void of space. The New York Yankees will never win another World Series. No one with the last name “Bush” will ever again be in a position of power. Your herpes will cease being a social issue. The U.S. can declare victory in Iraq, Afghanistan and Iran (Nostradomus predicted the U.S. would put Iran on a steady diet of tactical nuclear weapons starting in 2011).

So remember, the end of the world isn’t the end of the world or anything. It’s just one of those things. And there is the possibility that the Mayan prediction has been misinterpreted and humanity still has another 5,000 years or so left. But given the situation with the world today, we’d probably all be better off if it happens in 2012, if not sooner. So keep your fingers crossed, it’s really all for the best.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles