The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Earth 2.0: Invade now and the Keplerian-22bers will greet us as liberators

    By William K. Wolfrum on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 8:01am | Humor & Satire

     

    Artist rendering of Kepler-22b

    My friends, we are living in perilous times. With the discovery of Planet Kepler-22b, we Americans are threatened in a way like never before.

    Yes, Planet Kepler-22b, or “Earth 2.0″ as the unserious are calling it, is an Earth-like planet that could contain life. Life that would annihilate us for our freedoms.

    An average Keplarian-22ber

    Sources close to this blog have stated that – if and when the Keplerian-22bers attack, it will likely be worse that 400,000 Sept. 11s. It is up to us to not wait for the smoking gun that will come in the form of complete interstellar destruction. No, we must strike first.

    Invading and overthrowing the likely evil Kepler-22b government is our only failsafe action in this situation. And while it seems like it would be difficult, the simple fact is that such an invasion would take roughly six weeks, and pay for itself. And the Keplerian-22bers will greet us as liberators.

    That is why President Barack Obama must begin sending predator drones into the atmosphere of Kepler-22b and begin systematically taking out its leadership from the skies. Only then can we send in fighter planes to weaken its infrastructure, and finally troops to mop up the rest.

    It is time for Americans to come together as one. Kepler-22b is just 600 light years away. That means – with recent developments in the study of the neutrino – we can be there in 599.99999 years. It is time to set a plan, and stick with it. We are America. We went to the moon. We can get to Kepler-22b, overthrow it’s government and convert its people to Christianity.

    For average Americans looking to help in this interstellar war effort, please, travel. Shop. Enjoy this fine country and its myriad mini-malls and outlet stores. And, for God’s sake, stop talking about cutting the defense budget.

    –WKW

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    Topics: 
    Humor & Satire

    Comments

    You have no idea what we're up against.


    by Michael Maiello on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 9:13am

    Oh, and that is a picture of the EVIL Spock on that Star Trek show where everybody was reversed in the mirror universe. If this is all true, then there is an opposite of everybody on planet Kevlar and we must act fast. There is probably a President Bush who is the opposite of me and doesn't believe in democracy and kept himself in power and is using (this one hurts) his genius intelligence to plan the invasion right now. Worse yet, his succeeder, evil Obama, will be COMPETENT!  We are in trouble...


    by The Decider on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 12:40pm

    We can only hope that the leader of the rebel alliance, Dick Cheney, succeeds.


    by The Decider on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 12:45pm

    Watch out for goatee Obama!


    by Michael Maiello on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 1:15pm


    by Verified Atheist on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 1:50pm

    Could be worse:


    by Donal on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 1:16pm

    Oh just great! Now they'll tell us, it's okay to destroy this one, with green house gasses, because theres another one to take it's place.

    Some one will say "See; he said he would make a New Heavens and a New Earth" 


    by Resistance on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 1:42pm

    And definitely let me know when they find a duplicate Middle Earth populated by evil Hobbits.


    by Michael Maiello on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 3:02pm

    They're not all evil 

    Robert B. Reich


    by Resistance on Tue, 12/06/2011 - 7:12pm

    The Kepler-22b crisis puts Obama in a bind. You can't declare pre-emptive war on a whole other planet without the Nobel committee demanding its peace prize back. We'll just have to wait for John Bolton to take office as President Newt's secretary of state. He'll know the right thing to do.


    by acanuck on Wed, 12/07/2011 - 3:46pm