I published this piece long, long ago at the height of the political correctness "movement." Though the PC frenzy of the 90's has subsided, a recent complaint on this site by Jorn Barger, one of the first bloggers and coiner of the term, weblog, demonstrates that this piece is still relevant.

In these enlightened days, we tend to assume that the offensive behavior which we see all around us has plagued personkind since its creation. Yet, in truth, the history of offense is a relatively new chapter in the story of human progress. The art of taking offense, and consequently, the art of giving it, are in fact the achievements of a highly developed society.

The origins of offense are believed to be Celtic. Offense scholars claim that it was first discovered in Ireland in the beginning of the fifth century, by its namesake, William Tuck O'Fence. According to legend, O'Fence first became offended when a neighbor began to ridicule his chickens and geese for their inability to do simple math problems and to taunt them by removing their feet. In a rage, O'Fence set upon the neighbor with a spatula and called him a "Fascist", a term not fully appreciated for some centuries. The bewildered neighbor turned and fled for several leagues. O'Fence immediately grasped the implications of his newfound discovery, and he continued to refine his skill. Soon, O'Fence was able to take offense with a proficiency unmatched until modern times. He was once said to be offended by the squawks of his own chickens, interpreting them as racial slurs. Eventually, O'Fence became offended by the use of his own name, due to its newly developed connotations, and preferred to be called William O'Anally-Challenged.

After his death, the study of offense dropped into the background for a time until it was revived by an obscure Druidic cult in southern Ireland. Unlike their better known counterparts, these Druids were appalled by virgin sacrifice. According to old historical records and newspaper editorials, they believed the practice to be "smutty". These ancient priests were the foreparents of the shortlived Born Again Druid movement of the seventh century.

Offense, at this time, took on a lighter connotation at the hands of the ever dignified English gentry. The word tended to be applied in breaches of etiquette, such as spitting in one's host's eye or using the salad fork to eat one's soup.

It wasn't until the twelfth century in Scotland that offense first began to be used militarily. A fierce Scottish tribe, the McNuggets, would position themselves at the top of a hill or high ground before a battle. From this vantage, they would hurl insults and obscenities mercilessly atop the heads of their enemies. With a few crude comments, the Scots could send their opponents into a blind panic before cutting them to pieces with biting sarcasm. This devastating tactic became known as the offensive strike. The McNuggets were eventually defeated by warriors from a clan of little renown who followed the curious ritual of fighting with both hands covering their ears while singing nursery rhymes.

The Scots' success was not lost on the English, however. A new despotic leader came to the English throne in 1273, henceforth known as William the Offender. Millions of men, women, and domestic animals were cruelly tortured to death under his reign. The king researched horrific means of offense to satisfy these ends. His favorite punishment, apparently, was to treat his victims as sex objects. After a few days of this treatment, a person's self-esteem collapses, the intellect declines, and the victim finds him or herself spending large amounts of money on useless cosmetics. Some other famous punishments of King William's include subjection to pornography, racist humor, and improper grammar.

At this point, the study of offense gained international prominence with the participation of the Church. It decreed that Christians must be offended by blasphemy, bigamy, sodomy, astronomy, Deuteronomy, Judaism, Paganism, Communism, and Thegreatschism. On the other hand, the Church tended to offend Jews, Muslims, Protestants, Humanists, Bigamists, and the Hari Krishnas, most of whom took offense at having to be burnt at the stake. The Pope's headwear was also considered to be offensive by many secular and religious groups.

Another milestone in the offensive tradition was the Puritan movement. Enough said.

The greatest achievement of the offensive movement in the United States was the establishment of the Inhibition Act in 1927. Under the Inhibition it became illegal for people or animals to cause offense or to encourage or abet any type of offensive act. Though revolutionary in concept, the Inhibition proved difficult to enforce due to the rise of gangsters and the notorious criminal offenders who smuggled obscenities from Canada and trafficked heavily in home-brewed petty insults. The most infamous of these was Bob Capone who used to terrorize the streets of Chicago with unpleasant remarks. Capone was finally arrested on charges of offending a crippled, near-sighted, Polish women of colors with a slight weight problem and a lisp, having called her "lousy". The Inhibition was finally lifted in 1932 when courts ruled that the Act was offensive and thereby violated its own mandate.

In recent decades, offense has entered the academic realm. Dr. Joseph Finklestein, Professor of Offensive Studies and General Disgust and author of Foucault, Sex, and More Sex, is a leader in the field. He writes,

"Every human being qua humanity is immanently familiar with the sensation of offense as it bubbles from the depths of the stomach and rises burning to the throat. Tears come to the eyes, and phlegm to the nose. Thus is the world a shadow of itself."

Offense theory is now canon in the humanities, but its influence extends into many of the sciences. According to experimental results from a study at Well Renowned University, the feeling of offense is actually triggered by a chemical release from the tiny pineal gland. Human beings who suffer from missingthepinealglanditus, a genetic disease, are not capable of taking offense 99 percent of the time. Other significant studies of have concluded that sensitivity to offense differs from person to person. College undergraduates tend to have the most highly developed senses of offense of any socioeconomic group in country. There is also significant research being done in the field of animal offense. Dr. Real Medical Doctor, author of Calling Dogs Names, argues that offense-sensitive systems are present in all vertebrates and even some forms of plant life. His work, however, is often criticized by animal rights activists.

The study of offense is far from complete, and much remains to be discovered, but with an awareness of its history, we can perhaps hope to experience offense with more sensitivity and comprehension.  Any progress along these lines is invaluable to ourselves and our society. One can state with certainty that the study of offense is truly the science of the modern age.

I apologize to readers for my scant posting lately. This is what happened to me at work:

If you have been experiencing anxiety, mood swings, nausea, or constipation, you may be suffering from Genghis-withdrawal. There is no known cure, but doctors have had some success treating the symptoms with medical marijuana and medical crack. Hang in there. I'll soon be dagging away again.