It's taken me awhile to even be able to write much about the situation we find ourselves in. Wrapping my head around it is proving to be a difficult, if not impossible task.

I was in Havana, Cuba election night, in a hotel room at the Nationale, surrounded by like-minded Americans. We thought it would be a close election, but there was not a one of us who thought for moment donald would pull it off.

We'd been telling frightened Cubans for a week that Hillary would win. They wanted to make sure we voted before coming over, and we assured them we had. 

And we sat there in stunned silence as we watched the horror of the returns. By midnight we'd all decided to return to our own rooms, hoping against hope that by morning we'd be seeing something other than what we appeared to be witnessing. 

Although I went to bed, I turned on the tv every hour or so, just to check. By the time the alarm went off, it was apparent the worst had happened, and the tears started. Just a trickle at first, then a full-fledged ugly cry. I went to breakfast with swollen eyes, and as each one of our party of 18 walked by, we hugged and cried some more.

The happy-faced Cubans who worked in the hotel restaurant, weren't so happy faced. The whole mood of the country had changed. And all I could say was, "I'm so sorry. We tried."

We still had 4 days left of our trip, and I was grateful for the distraction. I tried to avoid thinking about it, but I couldn't. I wondered if the Cuban government would give us political asylum. I wouldn't really do it - I have kids and grandkids to think of - but I admit I was tempted. The thought of "going home" had never been so abhorrent to me. I cried every day. Multiple times a day.

My husband came down with the flu, and on the way home, I followed suit. More distraction. It's hard to concern yourself with affairs of state while you're coughing 'til you pee and sleeping most of the day. To be honest, I wished it would last a long, long time.

But it didn't, and when I returned to the land of the living, nothing had changed. donald (my new name for the creature) was still the Presidnt-elect (which I will NEVER call him.) It was new all over again The tears wouldn't stop for any length of time.

Life demanded that I get back into it. Watching the grandkids was far more important than my need to grieve. I tried as best as I could to avoid reading or seeing much of the autopsy. I knew seeing it was not going to aid in my recovery. What I didn't know was that there would BE no recovery. That the more time went by, the more upset I would become.

And here I am, nearly a month later, and there is no relief from the anger. I can't look at a donald supporter or 3rd party voter without feeling...I don't want to say hatred, but in reality, that is what it is. I guess I don't really hate THEM, but I hate what they've done to this country. Bernie Sanders? Robert Reich? You're dead to me. Kellyanne Conway thanked Bernie for softening up Hillary for them. 

They can rationalize it all they want, but they have put our country, the whole world, in jeopardy because they were pissed. And James Comey? There aren't words.

I'm sorry (no, I'm not,) I just don't buy the whole "you ignored me" bullshit. Anyone who isn't smart enough to realize that the repubs are NOT the party for the marginalized people of the country isn't smart enough to listen to anything the candidates have to say and vote for the one who obviously has their best interests at heart. Anyone stupid enough to think that donald is the "blue-collared billionaire," deserves what they get. And I don't feel sorry for them. AT ALL. When I hear them wonder if donald is REALLY going to take away their insurance or their Medicaid, all I can think is what the hell did you THINK he was going to do? When I hear people wonder if the repubs will REALLY try to do away with Medicare or privatize SS, I think what the hell did you THINK they would do if you didn't put in place some kind of a back-stop to keep them from doing it? When they begin to wonder if the money going into infrastructure will really end up in more toll roads and bridges, I think what did you think the wealthy would do? Seriously? Did you really think they would be looking out for you? They look at you as their servants. The people that make it possible for them to live the lives of luxury they live. Did you REALLY think that they want you to join their ranks? They want to trickle down on you, just like they've done ever since Reagan told you that if they do well, you'll do well. Did you never realize the liquid was pee?

But I DO feel sorry for the rest of us. We ALL get to suffer for their stupidity. Their gullibility. And every day donald gives me more reason to believe that every bad thing I ever thought about him is true.

I am so sick of hearing "just give him a chance." You don't give an alligator a chance to not bite you. They bite. It's what they do. And donald will do what donald does. He will use you. He will use all of us. He will pillage and plunder the whole country as best he can. He will use his new found power to advance the trump name all over the world. He will spend every waking moment (when he isn't tweeting about how how so and so is being mean to him) figuring out how to take financial advantage of every situation he finds himself in.

And all you have to do is watch what he's doing. Not what he says, because he changes his story more frequently than most of us change our underwear. But what he does. The people he surrounds himself with.

I'm a fairly rational person. I like things to make a certain kind of sense, even if I disagree with them. But this whole donald thing has me flummoxed. We have 60M+ people who voted for him. Or for change, or for whatever the hell they were voting for. Many of them voted against their own economic best interests, so it must have been VERY important to them. And here we are. The repubs are chomping at the bit to repeal Obamacare (but not really, because they know they can't ACTUALLY get rid of it before they have a replacement plan, and any replacement plan would need to look like...well, Obamacare. But at least it will be called something else. And the people who don't care about facts won't care, because, well, they don't care about facts. As long as it's not called Obamacare, they're cool with it.)

Ryan is charging ahead with his plans to destroy Medicare (one of the most popular, effective programs EVER, and even though donald said he wouldn't do it during the campaign) and privatize SS (imagine if your entire retirement plan had been at risk during the stock market crash of 2007?) Oh, well...

We've been asked to take a chill pill and give him a chance, while we are watching him put in place cabinet choices who despise the very agency they are being put in charge of, and talking to world leaders without having any clue what damage just the PERCEPTION of a change in our foreign policy means for the whole planet. It's shocking to the people who are paying attention, and it's pretty obvious that the people who elected him are not. Or they are and they don't understand the implications, or they just don't care. They got their change. Only their change is filling the swamp with even worse characters than it was filled with before instead of actually "draining" it. Every single thing we hold dear in this country is at risk. If he has his way, there will be trump tower on the banks of the Grand Canyon, and one dwarfing Old Faithful in Yellowstone.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are not only mourning "our" loss, but even more deeply, the country's loss, at having elevated the very worst behavior of humans to a position of prominence. Whether they ARE the things they've voted for, or just are accepting of it, the bad treatment of women, non-Christians, and minorities is being normalized.

Hate crimes are on the rise. The new administration is gloating about how facts no longer matter, just perception. Lying has been elevated to an art form. donald is going on an "adore me" tour because he misses the screaming throngs worshipping him. And behind the scenes, the repubs are frothing at the mouth at the cookie jar they're going to get their hands into. Yeah, it's like a pirate ship has pulled up on our shores, and the plundering is about to begin.

You thought the repubs were fiscally responsible? Really? Well, you're about to get a rude awakening when you realize that all of a sudden, deficits aren't really all that bad. Just when Democrats are doing the spending. When repubs are lowering taxes on the wealthy (who, for God's sake don't NEED the tax cuts!) increasing military spending, and going back to pork-barrel politics (YES, they ARE!) you'll see deficits rising again, but they'll find a way to blame it on the Democrats. Just watch.

As for the recounts? I'm under no illusion that they will change anything (although in my heart of hearts, I'm still hoping) but I have no choice but to refuse to admit defeat until it is absolutely necessary.

So. No. I'm not getting over it. I will not get over it. Ever. I am pissed. I don't know yet what I'm going to do with the anger, but I am not going to just accept this. donald is not now, nor will he ever be my president. Hillary will be my President-in-exile. There. I said it.