William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Barack Obama must declare war on Australia

    While Democrats face the potential of an ugly November that will see their advantages in both the House and Senate disappear, there is still a possibility they could be saved from the rampaging GOP. The results in the mid-term elections depend all on one man – President Barack Obama. He can still save the day for the Dems.

    But he needs to start blowing some shit up, and pronto.

    Now, I’m well aware that the U.S. is still mired in quagmires in Iraq and Afghanistan and doing battle in shadow wars in Yemen, Pakistan and God knows where else.

    But the public has completely lost interest in these battles. And for good reason. Did you see the 8th season of Friends? These things get stale after a while. The public loses interest and moves on to other issues, like how taxing people who make over $250K per year 36 percent is capitalism, but taxing them 39 percent is communism.

    But it’s time for Obama to follow the path of other great leaders, who turned to war when things their approval ratings dropped. Margaret Thatcher attacked the Falkland Islands. Ronald Reagan took on Grenada. George H.W. Bush brought the fight to Panama.

    Examine these examples, because they are important. None of them made a lick of geopolitical difference or even solved anything. But we won. And the leaders in question saw their approval ratings soar. Folks, Obama doesn’t need war for war’s sake. He needs a Winning war for war’s sake.

    America has way too many theoretical wars going on, where victory can only be known 30-50 years down the road, if then. Victory in Afghanistan? What the hell does that even mean?

    No, what Obama needs is some type of three-week mini-war where the U.S. can do some damage, declare victory, and leave. The public will go berserk, trust me. If there’s one thing the American public loves, it’s getting behind a jingoistic war effort for the benefit of nothing.

    That is why I propose that Barack Obama declare war on Australia. Immediately. He can make up whatever reason he wants. They’re harboring Mel Gibson. They eat Vegemite. They insist Australian Rules Football is a sport. It makes no difference. Any reason at all will do.

    But Bill, you say, Australia is our ally. Well, of course they are. That’s why we’ll make it quick and try and just bomb the crap out of uninhabited areas. Or blow up some aborigines. The darker the victim, the less anyone in the U.S. really cares. Sure the hippies will bitch about it, but no one listens to them, anyway.

    Honestly, I don’t think Australians would get all that upset. The overall effect will help the world’s economy, after all. And Australians are REALLY laid-back folks. They’d be cool. And Americans can very easily be convinced that Australia deserves a good bombing. George W. Bush was four IQ points away from being a literal moron and he convinced everyone that Saddam Hussein caused 9/11. And the whole nation got behind him.

    Basically, convincing an American to go to war is about as tough as convincing your average Tea Party member to believe anything.

    As for Congress? Seriously, didn’t Bush prove to us all, once and for all, that Congress is an impotent sludge that will go along with whatever war a President wants, regardless of reasoning? When it comes to war, no one wants to be the one standing in the way. Bombs equal votes.

    My friends, this is the kind of war America needs. The kind that CNN can make music for while featuring round-the-clock coverage. Even Fox News would be helpless. Too many Fox News pundits just want war, reasoning be damned. Do you think they’d start supporting the dirty, nefarious Aussies. Well, they might. But that’s neither here nor there.

    What matters is that Congress is in the balance. The Democrats have failed utterly in the messaging war with the GOP. Only a real(-ish) war will turn the tide now. Only a glorious, all-American victory with fireworks and night-vision video of bombs blowing something up will save the Democrats. Once the first bomb hits the 20 miles outside of Melbourne, Obama’s approval ratings hit 80 percent and every war-supporting Democrat gets re-elected.

    My friends, it’s time to attack Australia. It’s the only way to get the American people back on the Democrat’s side. Plus, it’ll knock that bastard Gibson down a peg.

    –WKW

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    Comments

    You know, it just might work...


    I'm relieved you didn't offer us up as a target, what with being so close and all. And having a healthier banking system. And lots of resources you need. And a military less than one-tenth your size. And no deficit to speak of. And a dollar that's set to pass the greenback. And ...

    Um, I'll shut up now.


    Relax, we all saw Canadian Bacon.

    I think Australia is too risky. Those Aussies all wrassle crocs and fight bareknuckled brawls before breakfast. And the men are even meaner. At least that's what I see in the movies.

    How about attacking Mars?


    How about Mexico?  Just wipe it out.  That would solve a lot of problems. 


    Then there'd be no place to send the illegals back to. Won't work. The plan, I mean -- not the illegals.


    I could not disagree more. Australia is a producer of minerals and coal, spreading freedom down under would NOT CREATE AMERICAN JOBS! Jobs are what the country needs after Bush destroyed our economy.

    Using precision weapons and satellite guided bombs we could take out key manufacturing facilities in Germany, the world's second leading exporter, and do so with precious little loss of life. The upside would be an evisceration of German exports and a boom for US manufacturing, similar to that after WW2.

    Additionally we have the justification in the case of Germany. We all know the evil that Germany wreaked upon the world! OK, they payed for that............

    BUT...they do not recognize the 2nd amendment to our Constitution! Gun owners in Germany must obey pernicious and burdensome paperwork and government restrictions on guns. Normal citizens cannot buy an AK-47 with a 35 round banana clip! This is an outrage against freedom friends!  Reason enough to invade, and Obama could skip the UN approval baloney like Bush. The expansion in US jobs would be almost immediate.

    The capper would be painting names of GOP stars on those bombers, this would be a good Fox News distraction and vote getter. I see one now, named after the newest Sarah Palin created GOP T-Bag star, that Donohue woman's picture on a plane, with little Satanic horns emerging from her coiffed hairdo, and the planes name- Devil of a Dame! Maybe one for Hannity, I'm Just Gay! Can't leave out Glenn Beck, Lying, Cryin' Clown!


    Great idea. Let's start by taking Mel Gibson hostage.


    It would be rather easy to invade us. With our tiny defence force that's currently preoccupied and a female leader, it'll be all in an afternoon's work. Mel Gibson can be our frontline, but without an armoured oil tanker, and in the event of his death it will be a win-win situation for us and the Jewish community.

    Make sure you bring a packed lunch and some fly spray, and you'll be right.

     

    Just don't be too loud, I wanna be able to hear the footy.


    You would also increase your popularity in New Zealand by doing this. It could lead to a whole spin off from the popular "I support two teams, New Zealand and anyone who is playing against Australia" line of shirts. You could have a marketing field day!

     

    Don't forget to ignore any war crimes against the Chappell brothers - that would win you more support in NZ and the South Pacific as well. Just think of the marketing possibilities of other countries throwing you victory parades.

     

    "Blow up Australia Week"... it has a nice ring. Future public holiday material.


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