Today is the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, brought to you by the Candies Foundation.  Yesterday, the Candies Foundation announced teen-mom/example-that-abstinence-only-doesn’t-work, Bristol Palin, would be it’s new ambassador.  This is the most ironic spokesperson since Stephen Hawking did a Nike cross-training commercial. I mean, come on!

In the press release announcing the ambassadorship, Palin said "If I can prevent even one girl from getting pregnant, I will feel a sense of accomplishment."

Bristol, if you remember, done got knocked up by her self proclaimed “f*cking redneck who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes,” (declared on his myspace page) boyfriend, Levi Johnston while her mom was running for Vice President.  So naturally Bristol, who was taught abstinence only during her teenage years and then done got knocked up, is supporting abstinence only education. 

Meanwhile, studies (some of them federally funded, btw) by the Cochrane Collaboration, the Mathematica Policy Research Inc., and the John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Health have found results of abstinence only education to be dubious at best.  According to these studies, the rate of the teens taking part in sex was the same whether they participate in abstinence only programs or not.  Also, those who participated in abstinence only programs and took a virginity pledge were less likely to use condoms or other forms of birth control.

To which I say: F*CKING DUH! 

People like to hump.  Teenagers – hormones pumping through their bodies – especially like to hump.  Telling them that abstinence is the only way to stay baby and STD-free is not only unrealistic, but down right irresponsible.   

Yet, in a classic logically deprived Palin-type-of-way, in Bristol Palin’s interview with the ever creepy Greta Van Susteren earlier this year she stammered, “I think abstinence is like, like the, I don’t know how to put it, like the main… everybody should be abstinent but that’s not realistic at all.” 

If Bristol truly wants to prevent other teens from getting pregnant she will go against her mother’s and the Republican party’s asinine support of abstinence only education programs. 

You can’t fight human nature, we humans like to hump.  Instead of misleading and keeping teens in the dark about sex, let’s treat them like the soon-to-be-adults they are and tell them that while they should wait to hump till they are older and more responsible if they are going to hump they should hump smartly and use a freaking condom. 

Below are my 3 ideas for preventing teen pregnancy that I guarantee will be more successful than Candies Foundation and Bristol Palin’s stupid plan.

1)  Condom Cannon
At every high school everyday at noon the condom cannon is fired spewing hundreds of condoms all over campus.  Students can then pick up free condoms at their leisure without judgment. 

2)  Birth Control Lottery
If you daughter chooses to go on one of the many forms of birth control she is automatically entered into a lottery drawing for a new car.  The car is taken away if she becomes pregnant and is returned to the Birth Control Lottery Agency. 

3)  Scared Safe Program
Instead of Bristol Palin telling teenagers to just not do it, she and other teenage mothers can go to high schools and tell them how much of a pain in the ass having a kid is.  “I used to go out Friday and Saturday night, now I can’t.  I used to have extra money to buy Xbox games, now I don’t.”  et cetera et cetera.

You can see my full blog, with pictures (including Sarah Palin in a bikini with rifle) at my blog.