My friends, it has come to my notice that I'm a fantastic blogger. Seriously, borderline brilliant. My blog posts have brought joy and comfort to hundreds and hundreds of people over the years. For many, I am the only joy they will have all day.

Now, being this good is a burden. Namely because it gives me so many chances to commit crimes. And here's the thing - I should be able to commit these crimes. The only thing holding me back is the law. This must change.

For nine months, it appeared that director Roman Polanski could face charges for raping a 13-year-old girl. Luckily, with the support of the Hollywood community, that won’t be the case.

From The Guardian:

Spain celebrates it’s first World Cup triumph (AFP)

World Cup

Spain Takes First World Cup: In a game that featured two beautiful teams playing rough-and-tumble soccer, Andre Iniesta hit an overtime goal to give Spain it’s first World Cup title as it beat Netherlands 1-0, and concluded a successful World Cup in South Africa.

While millions will be rooting on Holland or Spain in today’s World Cup Final, let us not forget the pain felt by those eliminated. In Brazil, where soccer is King, Queen and the rest of the royal court, the disappointment of seeing their side knocked out was too much for many. Especially young Salomão:

LeBron James may be new to town, but he better learn that Miami belongs to Dexter Morgan.

Headlines

Johannes Mehserle was convicted of involuntary manslaughter – the least possible sentence – after shooting an immobilized and unarmed Oscar Grant on the Oakland Subway system. Here’s how some media organizations described the aftermath:

ALASKA - Moments after releasing a meandering video that seemed to point out that she wanted white women on the streets, Sarah Palin dropped another bombshell - She will be LeBron James' pick for Vice-President.

In her effort to make white moms her base, Sarah Palin’s PAC put out a video that showed just how much she loves (white) women.

CLEVELAND – Basketball star LeBron James will reportedly be taking a shower at around 8:30 p.m. EST tonight. James – who averaged nearly 30 points and nine assists per game in 2009-2010 – will very likely use soap, shampoo and possibly conditioner, said an anonymous ESPN source.

If a Sea Turtle could, it would murder you with its bare hands. And liberal environmentalists would like nothing more than to allow this ancient species to gain the power they’ve always slowly plotted.

Sea Turtles are often portrayed as wise, harmless keepers of the deep. But such a description couldn’t be further from the truth. The fact is this – Sea Turtles are monstrous man-eaters that make Great White Sharks look like otters.

CLEVELAND – Citing potential “National Security Issues,” President Barack Obama today ordered all media to stay 2,000 feet away from basketball superstar LeBron Jame

Whatever LeBron James does, or doesn’t do in the next few days will be the most important thing or non-thing ever.

Factoid

LeBron James and Tiger Woods share the same birthday – Dec. 30.

Jack Welch – former CEO of General Electric, Net worth, $720 million – had this to Tweet recently:

I wish the President would stop dividing us..Every day he has a new villain..bank execs, insurance companies, doctors, hedgefund managersetc

It’s a Hot Dog!

Odd News

Eating Anarchy: Competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut won the annual Coney Island “Stuff your Face With Hot Dogs” thing, his fourth victory in the event. Chaos later ensued, when legendary eater Takeru Kobayashi – who is starting his own eating league, I think – crashed the party and was later arrested. Dear Lord, we are stupid people.

For a moment in the first round of their UFC 116 Main Event, following a Shane Carwin right uppercut, the much ballyhooed Brock Lesnar reacted badly. The big man, obviously ultra-aware of the power in Carwin's hands, staggered away like a hurt animal, looking vulnerable. Carwin jumped on the chance but couldn't ground-and-pound a dazed Lesnar into submission, with Lesnar regaining his confidence.

Having already made his views on Jews clear in an earlier rant, actor Mel Gibson is now in trouble for making derogatory statements towards Blacks in a recent taped tirade. In the tape, Gibson attacks Oksana Grigorieva, the mother of one of his many, many children, for her choice of clothing.

The Plan to ignore the BP Oil Disaster until it went away hasn’t worked out.

New

Earnings Going Down: Supply and demand, baby.

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: I originally wrote this for readers at Open Salon, but believe the advice below is of great importance to all bloggers lesser than myself.]

Hi, everyone, I'm Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum. My friends call me Bill, but for purposes of this presentation, I'd rather you called me Master Blogger William K. Wolfrum.