The Good news? You can live forever. The Bad News? You’ll have to be a jellyfish to pull it off.

KENTUCKY – Following its hyper-successful “KFC Famous Bowls” and “Double-Down Sandwich” campaigns, KFC has announced its newest promotion – “KFC’s Eat It Off The Floor, Bitch!” combo.

Brazil fan Zé Aparecido was pensive during the first half of Brazil-North Korea World Cup match.

Only 600,000 or so were killed in the Civil War. So, if you're a Southern politician, why not promote wildly secessionist language in your TV ads?

“Would you just stop it with the forsaking already?”

We Americans are an independent people with a do-it-yourself attitude. And no one proves that more than Gary Brooks Faulkner. The 50-ish American – armed with a pistol, 40-inch sword, night-vision goggles and book of Christian verses – went to Pakistan on a one-man mission to behead Osama bin Laden.

“God is with me, and I am confident I will be successful in killing him,” Faulkner said.

SOUTH AFRICA – Faced with a barrage of bad press about the endless drone of vuvuzelas during World Cup matches, South African President Jacob Zuna today announced that he will ban the horn-like instrument, provided the Western world stop exploiting Africa.

Was Chuck Liddell getting knocked cold worth it for Dana White and the UFC?

They say a tie is like kissing your sister. Of course, those saying that are a bunch of sick, sister-kissing freaks, so it may just be best to ignore them, especially when it comes to the U.S. National Soccer team holding mighty England to a draw in the 2010 World Cup.

Some times you just have to rub the lion. More on this story (in Portuguese) here.

(Soldiers rescue survivors during D-Day, 66 years ago today. Click here for more photos.)

Another man – Republican lobbyist Larry Marchant – has come forward admitting to an affair with Republican gubernatorial front-runner Nikki Haley.

Honestly, I just don’t care one way or another about this “Scandal.” But, being that it would have been said already if the genders were switched, let me just make this proclamation:

Will Folks & Larry Marchant are family-wrecking whores.

–WKW

AFGHANISTAN — American actor and martial arts enthusiast Chuck Norris will take over as the No. 3 man in Al Qaeda, sources say. Norris, known for his hyper-conservative views and Internet Facts, will join the terrorist organization in a private ceremony later today.

While many have voiced confusion about the move due to Norris being an unapologetic Christian, an Al-Qaeda spokesman said it all made perfect sense.

Being a lobbyist can’t be easy. First off, in most cases, you have to actually rid yourself of any soul whatsoever to get into the business. Secondly, there are no career goals outside of getting paid – even the most successful lobbyists on the planet have no real “achievements.” Just bucketloads of money.

Are they a necessary evil? I don’t know. But perhaps America might be a better place if lobbyists didn’t tell Americans that they could get cancer if they tax the wealthy.

From Politico:

While Israel fights its newest PR war after it’s attack on an aid flotilla left a dozen or so dead, the U.S. is showing that friends in high places can be quite helpful. First, the Obama Administration has taken a stand from the rest of the planet by not condemning the acts. And second, it seems that Israelis can even manage to kidnap American citizens without getting any reprimand from Washington.

WASHINGTON – Angered over repeated accusations that they have no answers or plans, the GOP today announced a new strategic plan to save the Gulf of Mexico from Grace Slick.

“We are the party of today, and tomorrow,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner. “The Grace Slick situation in the Gulf of Mexico is one that we’re ready to handle.”

When informed that Grace Slick was a singer who now lived in Illinois, Republicans, as is their wont, refused to back down, budge or change course.

Initial reports out of the Gulf are that British Petroleum's "Top Kill" plan has stopped the oil from spurting out of the Earth.

From AmericaBlog: