William K. Wolfrum's picture

    The Electric Razor and the end of America

    The first electric razor was patented in 1928. About six months later, the Great Depression hit. This is not a coincidence.

    From the moment Col. Jacob Schick decided that electricity was necessary for men to shave their faces, the nation’s fate was sealed. Because once American manufacturers realized they could sell Americans products that simply have no function or value, the entire economy was doomed.

    Electric razors are one of the great breakthroughs in marketing history. Simply put, electric razors don’t work. They’ve never worked. They never will work. You’ll get an equally close shave from a pickle.

    But they continue to be made and sold. That they continue to exist after 80 solid years of not working is both a tribute to marketing and the sheer stupidity of the American consumer.

    Because hidden somewhere in every bathroom is an electric razor that has been used twice and discarded because it made a guy’s face look like it was angrily licked by wolverines. And an electric lady razor that made some poor woman’s legs look like she tried to remove hair via sandpaper and orange peels.

    Now, I know there are some of you out there that will swear to me that your electric razor is the greatest and your face feels like a baby’s ass after you use it. We have a word for people like you around these parts – liar. You just aren’t fooling anyone. A Pet Rock is more useful than an electric razor in that at least you can use the rock to hold a door open.

    After the electric razor came out, the doors flew wide open. From there came a torrent of Salad Shooters, electric tooth brushes, Coors, the Chia Pet and millions and millions of other products that had the trip[le-threat of being useless, wasteful and stupid. And moronic American consumers gobbled it all up.

    And now here we are, $14 trillion in debt and with boxes of useless crap in storage because our homes were foreclosed on. And it all began because Schick realized Americans would buy anything and that anything worth having had to have a motor of some type and use energy.

    So please, if you’re thinking of buying an electric razor, don’t. You’ll just be speeding up the demise of this once great nation. Shave yourself with a fork, instead. The results will be the same, you won’t use any electricity and the people in China that made it won’t laugh more at stupid American consumers.

    –WKW

    Crossposted at WIlliam K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    Comments

    So... I should get a refund on this motorized pickle?


    Hmm.  I dunno.  Does the adult bookstore even give receipts?


    Did you follow the directions?


    But the picture is of a finely crafted German engineering marvel that will last lightyears beyond it's petty American competitors.


    there's one even better for women's legs.  the little rotating coils supposedly grab the hairs and yank them out. 

    truth:  they grab the hairs (ouch) and remove the 98% of your epidermis (ouch again but they don't quite manage to yank the hairs out.  the hairs stay quite happily in place. 

    depilators.  they REALLY laugh at them in China.

     


    True this, anna am: I have been using an Epi-Lady for 10 years and I love it! It definitely pulls the hairs out by the roots, and so there are never any hard "whiskers" growing back. Also, some of the follicles just die and so it gets to be less and less. I know this is TMI but just couldn't let my pal Epi Lady be treated so shabbily! ;)

    Electric razors, electric dishwashers, power mowers....you named it. At least the Frisbee was fun. But that is the basis of American Industry. Come out with a product the usefulness of which is dubious at best and convince the public that they cannot live with out it.

    American ingenuity... there's nothing like it.


    On the other hand, electric toasters way outperform the manual kind.


    Yep! And electric eels beat the crap out of those wind-up ones!

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