So God finished his business and left for vacation. Adam and the woman hung out in the garden with a particularly clever snake. When Adam was off doing something (don’t ask), the snake asked the woman about what fruit she was allowed to eat. The woman explained what God had said about the toxic properties of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. The snake, who was apparently smarter than the people, told the woman that what God had said was false.

As I said, God took a day off. It’s not clear what he did on his day off, but we hope something fun and relaxing. But before he called it quits, God made a pretty garden for the first man, Adam. The garden had some nice trees, including the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, which is a long name for a tree. Before heading out, God commanded Adam not to eat from the tree with the long name for “the day you eat from it, you will definitely die.”

May 6, 2029

President George Prescott Bush signed into law a ground-breaking automobile subsidy that will pay the United States' last remaining automaker, General Chrysford, to build cars that will be shipped straight to the scrapyards. The Automotive Repurposing Act is designed to help the Big One survive a global glut of automobiles that has driven the price of cars below the break-even point. Lisa Lemmon, the CEO of General Chrysford, has lobbied hard for the bill and argued in a recent USA McNews editorial that the auto company could not survive without assistance:

At first, there wasn’t much of anything. Well, there was God, and there was some water, so maybe that’s a lot. But there wasn’t anything else, that’s my point. Then God decided to make some other stuff probably because he was bored of the water. So first he made some light so that he could see what he was doing. He thought that was a pretty good accomplishment for the first day and congratulated himself on a job well done.

The second day, God made a hole in the water and called it the sky.

Last summer, a team of archaeologists excavating a Roman-era latrine outside Jerusalem made a remarkable discovery. Buried beneath centuries of silt and fecal matter, the archaeologists discovered an ancient manuscript. The manuscript appears to be an abridged version of the Old Testament with commentary by the infamous heretic, Joseph the Latriner of Lokshen.

May 1, 2029

Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."

April 27, 2029

The world's most popular search engine, MyRealittee.com, set a new record with its long-awaited ¥8.3 trillion IPO on the WongDaq stock exchange in Shanghai. MyRealittee.com's unusual IPO process, a reverse double-blind Flemish auction with a half-somersault, left analysts scratching their heads but did not prevent a buying frenzy that drove the share price up to ¥1279 by the end of trading. MyRealittee.com is now worth ¥74.8 trillion, approximately four times the GDP of the United States.

Once again, Jesus Christ has exposed himself to mortals though a tasty snack. This time, his vehicle of choice was toasted cheese bread.

Governor Brad Henry of Oklahoma decisively resolved a major battle over the official state rock song today. I bet you didn't realize that states had official rock songs, least of all Oklahoma.

Well it does now. In an online contest, a majority of Oklahomans voted for Do You Realize? by the weird psychadelicish band, The Flaming Lips. I bet you didn't realize that the Flaming Lips came from Oklahoma.

Dear Dark Lord of the Sith, Dick Cheney;

I'd like to take some time to address something that I have seen on the Internets.

Please watch the following video.  It will take about two minutes.

April 24, 2029

Dear Dag Boys:

I am writing to express my concern with a new development that has very recently come to my attention. I am referring, of course, to the invitation for readers to follow Dagblog on Twitter. 

Being, as I am, ever so slightly behind the curve when it comes to internet advancements, I write to suggest--nay, implore--that you not require your bloggers to in any way engage in this new endeavor.

I believe that, should you make the tweeting an imperative, I would be able to master the techology. However, I simply do not want to.

My girlfriend sent this to me. Do you think it's a hint? Pretty funny in any case.

More animations at Tales of Mere Existence.

After breaking the camera of an aggressive paparazzo who was photographing him with his daughter, Woody Harrelson explained that he mistook the photographer for a zombie:

"I wrapped a movie called 'Zombieland,' in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie."

Happy Earth Hour, everyone! In a gesture of appreciation for our beautiful planet, which if all goes according to plan will slowly simmer to death sometime this century, dagblog is joining the stampede of environmentally concerned municipalities and other organizations turning the lights off major landmarks for one hour this evening.

Every Tuesday night after my weekly basketball game, I pick up some Mickey D's for me and Ms. Deadman (or Deadwoman, if you prefer) to eat at home. It's a classy tradition in the Deadman household, one that we both totally look forward to, with the main source of our enjoyment being the Filet-O-Fish sandwich that always makes up the entree portion of our meals.

Seeking qualified candidates for leadership role with a top American political party who will:

So, I'm assuming that plenty of people have seen this gem by now:

Newly elected Republican National Committee Chairman Michael S. Steele plans an “off the hook” public relations offensive to attract younger voters, especially blacks and Hispanics, by applying the party's principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings.”