ONE OF THE GUYS WHO DID IT

I came across a manuscript of incredible importance. At last we might know the truth. Curiously, there was some legal document enclosed in the manuscript.

                                               AFFIDAVIT

 

STATE OF CONFUSION)

                                          ( ss

COUNTY OF HYSTERIA)

 

I, Richard Milhous Ford Reagan Bush Cheney, after being duly sworn upon oath; state and depose as follows:

 

1.               That I served two terms as the 46th Vice-President of the United States from 2001 to 2009; and

2.               That all things and matters contained in this exposition are true and correct except as to those things stated upon belief and as to those things I verily believe them to be so; with the exception that if I SPECULATE then I cannot be held to the same standard as some lowly personage; and

3.               That all things in matters contained in this exposition are speculative and cannot be used later to bite me in the ass.

 

FURTHER YOUR AFFIANT SAYETH NOT.

 

(Signed) Dick Cheney

 

So begins the epic entitled:

If I Did It,

Subtitled: This is how I did it even assuming that I did no such thing and if you dare to utter otherwise I will sue your ass off or Xe men may appear outside your door one day.

(Published by The American Heritage Foundation For a Better America, NY, NY (2010))

I'm a cowboy deep down you know. Not some Eli pretending to be so. I mean Dad and Ma had the cows and the horses and the hens and so as early as I can recall I was dealing with the cow shite and the horse shite and the hen shite.

I got to be pretty good at dealing with shite. In primary school I was accused of smelling funny but I never paid that kind of talk no mind.

I mean, you have to learn to work with what you got in this world and do the best you can with it.

And I have had an awful lot of shite to deal with during my fine and publicly minded career--that's for sure!!!

I decided to get into shape and play some football by the time high school rolled around. I was sick and tired of having my lunch money taken by those low-lifes and getting into shape really worked out well.

I learned my first important rule back then.

DON'T GET MAD, GET EVEN!!!

The Elis would not have me once I graduated from high school. Here Daddy used his position at Agriculture to get me into that bastion of aristocracy and I failed to measure up. I mean the rich liberal bastards told me that my writing lacked 'clarity' but I know the real reason they tossed me out on my ass from that venerable institution. It was the smell of manure.

I discovered later that 'they' were up to their eyeballs in the stuff; but I persevered at State and was awarded a couple degrees in a field of endeavor they refer to as: Political Science.

I was a little lost after receiving my masters so I enrolled at an institution in a place called Madison. I thought how can you go wrong in a place called Madison for chrissakes?

Besides I had run out of deferments.

It was there that I met my first Negroes. My God, I thought. Where did these primates come from anyway? But I met some farmer/ranchers in old Wisconsin. Oh we had some fun driving all over the place with our whiskey and baseball bats.

But as soon as someone tells the truth about things, like this Rand Paul, all hell comes down on him from the liberal media. Hypocrites!!!

Damn, the Negroes should be happy their slave owners in Africa sold them to pious men like our forefathers.  But I digress.

I ran into some problems on the road as they say. I mean they build these wondrous saloons and invite you in until all hours of the night and, I mean, how the hell else do you get home? About that time I was being shadowed by those folks at Selective Service so I turned to my sweet-heart Lynne and said:

Time to knock you up lady afore I end up sick, sore and disabled in some Asian Jungle.

In some circles I was known as 'little dick' but little Dick fared all right and Lynne bore us our first Lesbian, leaving the fightin' to others who really had no future to begin with. Because I knew all along that I was destined for greater things.

By '69 the world had changed. FDR was no longer prayed to as much as he had been in the past and the Great Society was on its goddamnable death bed.

By 1969 there I was, a Congressional aide hoping for the best; the best for me and the worst for the rest. The best advice I ever had was from Sun Tzu's Art of War:

 

All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.

 

Nowhere did this make more sense than during my tenure at the Nixon Whitehouse.  Rummy got me to that great House looking over that phony Hill. Ha!!!

We saw Nixon go down out of shear stubbornness.

I did of course plan the Watergate break-in by the way. My main operative was a guy named Liddy. Now in 2000 I had to undergo lazer eye surgery but it had been delayed because of my yearly open heart surgery. So when I hired the Scooter, I thought I was hiring Gordon's son. Oh well...but again I digress.

The damnable tapes should have been burned although I disagreed with Pat Buchanan that the bon fire of the vanities should somehow take place upon the White House Lawn.  Those tapes should have somehow been 'misplaced' and the Chief Executive should have claimed privilege and not have permitted anyone in the Administration to testify to anything-ever.  Later I hired someone who knew how to erase hard drives.  And perform that task without fire.

I swore that would never happen again. 

And so the best possible face for that open position came to the fore. Gerald Ford arrived with that pleasant countenance and a deep impenetrable heart. This guy had never voted for even a portion of the Great Society, this guy was never sure about Civil Rights Legislation, this guy had one time demanded the impeachment of Earl Warren for chrissakes!!!

And yet Americans thought him a neutral and a fairness mongerer and a reasonable man. Rummy and I maneuvered our way into this new Administration while others watched thinking that everything was going to hell in a hand basket. But we knew that individual fortunes could be made from all of this.

So Rummy found the gold standard indeed as he was put into the single most important position the country and the world could offer: Secretary of Defense. Oh what we learned from that little term. At defense you could pluck suckers inside the department as much as the suckers outside the department and end up making millions; hell tens of millions of good U.S. Dollars. ha

And me? Why I became Chief of Staff and just kept our Commander-in-Chief.

And getting back to Sun Tzu, I knew the best manner in which to stick it to the Dems was to veto every single goddamn piece of legislation those bastards passed just as they were feeling all this power after felling the strongest republican in decades.

But Jerry would do it all with a nice smile.

Oh shucks, these are perilous times and all so we just cannot at this time allow:

More funds for the unemployed.

More funds for the widows and orphans.

More funds for educating our young.

More funds for the rest of humanity, period. Ha

So during our short tenure, Jerry Ford, the amicable, the friendly, the reasonable; managed to veto more legislation than any president since Ike. And nobody has come close to that number since.  And he managed to do all this within the parameters of a 29 month presidency.

That was going to be my personal protest against the New Deal, the Fair Deal and the Great Society. FUCK EM. FUCK EM ALL!!!

(This is part one of a series.)