William K. Wolfrum's picture

    The Shockingly Unbelievable Case of What the Man-Eating Monsters Ate

    The town of Rock Springs, Wyoming has a violet past. Violent to the point it was long ago called "The Murder Capital of America," and it was a moniker deserved. The years have passed and the population has dwindled and with that, the violence has slowed down. Not stopped, mind you, as at least once a year someone shoots someone else for reasons fair or foul. But the residents didn't get shaken up about these sort of things. They had seen it all. At least, until the monsters came.

    Doctor Cleveland's picture

    The Mayor from Jaws Explains those Quotes he Gave Bob Woodward

    Everyone knows I want to be a cheerleader for Amity Island, right? You want to project confidence. So while I might have told some reporter from the mainland that we were facing “a  grotesque, Biblical monster of the deep,” “a bloody, churning nightmare of teeth,” or “a lean, mean tourist-eating machine,” there was no reason to tell the general public that. You don’t want to start a panic, fellas. Just think of the kids.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    I know Why the Caged Man Cries for Sports

    At the age of eight, I enjoyed being in school plays and funny things. I loved cartoons, especially off-the-wall ones like Heckle & Jeckle. I adored H.R. Pufnstuf, without knowing a thing about the obvious drug references. My childhood bedroom door was covered in silly and gross Wacky Package stickers. I wrote silly little plays and dialogues. And when my Dad asked me if I wanted to play Little League Baseball, I said no.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    U.S. Constitution hospitalized following suicide attempt

    WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Constitution, the long respected legal document of the United States government, is in serious condition at George Washington University Hospital, following a suicide attempt late last night. Sources close to the document say it despondently tried to shred itself in a nearby office shredder at approximately 11 p.m. Monday.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    The COVID-19 Show on hiatus as ratings plummet and people leave their homes

    Despite stellar early ratings and a cast of guest stars that included Tom Hanks and Idris Elba, The COVID-19 Show is being put on hiatus due to dwindling viewership and a general lack of interest in the ongoing pandemic. Producers of the show will now retool it's format, but promise that the deaths will continue.

    “We feel that we can get interest in this virus back to where it was in the beginning,” said producer Michael Bay. “People are still in grave danger, but the plot just isn't pulling people in.”

    Doctor Cleveland's picture

    Fear, Loathing, and Pandemics

    An epidemic turns out to be a rotten time to have a germophobe President. Trump's more obvious pathologies -- ignorance, narcissism, magical thinking, pathological lying -- have gotten the obvious attention, because those are all real dangers to public safety. But Trump's germophobia makes him fundamentally unsuited to a public health crisis. His focus on making sure that he, personally, does not get ill, is just the mindset that increases the number of people who will. Selfishness helps an epidemic thrive. The outbreak can only be defeated by cooperation.

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    Danny Cardwell's picture

    Kobe Bryant: He Touched Every Line

    I sat down to write about Kobe's life and contributions to the game, but a blank piece of paper kept staring back at me. I struggled to find the words to express the shock I felt. Watching the crowd in New Orleans pay respect to Kobe was emotional. Seeing the tears in the eyes of Celtics players was tough. I felt a sense of pride after seeing teams take 24 second shot clock violations. Trae Young's inspired 45-point performance while wearing the number 8 made me a fan of his for life. Those images are worth more than any words I could ever write.

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    Danny Cardwell's picture

    A Response To Second Amendment Sanctuary Counties

    Greetings fellow Dagbloggers. I hope you all are doing well. It's been a few weeks since the Commonwealth of Virginia turned BLUE. It's been 25 years since the Democrats controlled the Governor's mansion and both houses. This has already caused panic in some of the more conservative rural areas. Several counties are seeking to create "2nd Amendment Sanctuary Counties".

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    Danny Cardwell's picture

    How Should We Think About Impeachment?

    Impeachment hearings are here whether we want them or not. The next few weeks, like all of the weeks before them, will be full of misinformation and half truths. 

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    Doctor Cleveland's picture

    Halloween Goofiness (Self-Promotion Edition)

    I have a new piece on McSweeney's Internet Tendency today, right on time for Halloween: "I Am Just Trying to Have a Civil Online Conversation about Vampires." Here's a taste:
     

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