Doctor Cleveland's picture

    The New York Times Wants You to Know How Normal Everyone Is Here at the Applebee's

    Here in bucolic Fairfield, California, amidst rolling vineyards and struggling big-box stores, unassuming souls like Norman Bates go largely unremarked. While most Americans would instinctively recoil from his habit of brutal murder and the uses to which he puts his victims’ bodies, here in Middle America he is Norman Next Door, a soft-spoken young man whose manners nearly any mother would applaud, working to keep open a family motel that serves both as symptom and as symbol of the economic anxieties roiling the heartland. Norman has heard murmurs advocating radical change, from Wal-Mart’s gun aisle to the local church’s pork-and-beans supper, and seems guardedly optimistic. Perhaps it will become easier for him to date. “Most girls don’t want to hear about being violently stabbed to death and having selected portions of their remains repurposed,” he says, browsing the knives at the dollar store. Now, he feels, things may be about to go his way.

    Battle of the Sexes: War's not the absence of Peace

    Once upon a time in a land far away, we had big people and smaller people, and the bigger people largely took care of the smaller people and the smaller people largely did what the bigger people wanted, and this comic-book characterization carried on for a few millennia. Beneath the cartoonist's rendition, there was a lot of smudgy tawdry goings-on, but in a regular newspaper, you can only get so much detail.

    Eventually people discovered tools, which went from simple stuff like big sticks used as clubs on to more subtle stuff like x-ray spectrometry and online marketing, which confused the hell out of early caveman/woman, but is slowly becoming comprehensible to their descendants.

    Doctor Cleveland's picture

    Today in Jedi Studies (Self-Promotion Edition)

    Yesterday, I had a small humor piece published by McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

    It's called "Questions for the Jedi Vice-Chair of Graduate Studies"

    Do I absolutely have to construct my own lightsaber to graduate?

    Will you accept 30 hours of transfer credit from the Dark Side?

    How will being at one with the Force prepare me for today’s job market?

    Maleing it in: Masculine Mystique & the Savior Complex

    Elaine Chao, Washington veteran, noted at Politico's recent "Women Rule" that, 'Men don’t prepare that much, so why do we have to?' and continues "“I prepare so much more than some of my male colleagues,” Chao tells POLITICO editor Carrie Budoff Brown in the latest “Women Rule” podcast interview. “And I know women who are prepared more and we get ridiculed and it's like, ‘Oh, my gosh. She's just preparing so much. She's such an automaton. Can't she just like, wing it?’”"

    The reason, of course, is our millennia-old mythos of men being born for glory and greatness, ready to roll, walk-ons for greater things. We call this "The Natural", like that Robert Redford movie.

    You might think of it as Magic Johnson vs. Larry Byrd - roughly comparable skill & success, but in popular lore largely "the guy with the screaming God-given talent vs the Hoosier who always had to work so hard". 

    Pat on the Back: Trump takes 51st Super Bowl

    In a last minute surprise, Trump's untraditional campaign team upset the over-confident Falcons last night to win the 51st Super Bowl held in Trump-friendly Texas.

    Neglecting to revisit key strategic border sections of the field more amenable to their game play, the Falcons relied on an over-cautious strategy from their early lead going into halftime, giving the Patriots the opportunity to microtarget an unnoticed but increasingly receptive field of key white receivers. The Nation's Team relied on the more exceptional game play of true stolid conservative players steeped deep in the field's vast, largely empty heartland rather than the Falcs' preferred focus around the crowded edges of the sidelines, often resting on slick and fancy footwork rather than core fundamentals.

    While the final score seemed close and tenuous, Trump noted he could have won by much more but the line refs and scorekeepers had rigged the contest, costing his team at least 20 points, and especially faulted the Falcons for relying on undependable non-white players, and the media for reporting pre-game events.

    A Visit from St. Vlad

    'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the site
    Not a blogger was stirring, no postings in sight.
    The comments were lined by the masthead with care
    With hopes for some non-Trump discussion as fare
    While readers rolled restlessly slumped in their beds
    Damning hangover headaches that chastened their heads.
    My alias and I had just poured a nightcap,
    thinking we'd hack out some politically motivated crap.
    When out in the blogosphere there arose such a natter,
    A tweetstorm with fake news that filled it with chatter.
    Off to my Facebook I flew in a rage
    To offer my musings on each open page.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Man positive oncoming train won't really hit him

    When Norm Rixon woke up this morning, he expected it to be like any other morning with some coffee, news and time with Shifty, his dog. Instead, he awoke tied to train tracks in a dusty location outside Joshua Tree, Calif.

    "I did not expect that," said Rixon, 32.

    Despite his predicament, Rixon said he felt confident things would work out for him.

    Ramona's picture

    The Oregon Stand-Off That Wasn't. Isn't. Ain't.

    You should know I'm writing today not to inform or enlighten but simply to make fun.  Those militia guys in Oregon holding the Malheur Wildlife Refuge building hostage are like big-footed rodeo clowns in cowboy hats and their pratfalls are just too good to pass up. 

    (Don't judge me, okay? I'm from Michigan.  It's hell there, where it's not the citizens taking over the government, it's the government taking over the citizens--and not in a good way.  I need a laugh.)

    Michael Maiello's picture

    Sony Produces a Hologram of FDR To Reassure America

    Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives:

    Monday, December 1st, 2014 -- a date which will live in internet – a Japan-based multimedia entertainment conglomerate doing business in the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by hackers from the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    The Ebola Virus - Save yourself by being a Real American

    America did not become the greatest nation in the history of nations by trusting science. In a nation noted for its partisan divides, it is this distrust of science that has taken the United States to the top of the mountain. Whether it is conservative mistrust of Climate change or liberal suspicion of vaccines, America is defined by the belief that scientists are nefarious cranks bent on world domination and the death of our babies and economy.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    True Personhood

    The moment I saw him, I knew something was different. He was a giant, in his way, and he seemed to be involved in everything. He was no ordinary man. He was a person. He was General Electric.

    "We bring good things to life," General Electric told me. And I believed him.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Statement of Support by William K. Wolfrum on Hero Cliven Bundy

    "Today, noted blogger William K. Wolfrum announces his respect for American Hero Cliven Bundy. Faced with a tyrannical government, Mr. Bundy has shown himself to be brave, pure of heart, and most importantly, a great American. We will continue to support Mr. Bundy in all his endeavors.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    This conversation is a conversation worth having

    We are living in perilous times. Now, more than ever, it is time for America to have a conversation.

    This is why I am here. This is my job. To start this conversation. To get America talking. All I do is present you with the facts. Facts that are perfect conversation starters. Facts that - deep inside - hold truths. Truths that need to be discussed.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Breaking: Scientists busted for hour laundering; Daylight Savings Times canceled

    WASHINGTON, D.C. - More than 42,000 scientists across the globe - including such luminaries as Neil deGrasse Tyson and Stephen Hawking - have been arrested for hour laundering in a world-wide sting, sources say.

    "They got them all, finally," said the source. "Finally, this terror ends."

    Ramona's picture

    Hail, CPAC! Silly Season is Upon Us. Can Spring be Far Behind?

     

    To this liberal there is no more fun in the world than when CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) comes to Virtual Town.  I look forward to the two-day conference every year and I'm never disappointed. Best comedy show ever!
     

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Revolutionary, Game-changing new App shot to death in Ukraine

    KIEV - "Protest This!™" a revolutionary new App that promises to help users easily meet and assemble against unpopular regimes, was shot down like a dog today in the streets of Kiev.

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