Every year I think about entering a sentence in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, but it always happens after I've seen the announcement of that year's winner.   This particular contest is like a "Worst Fiction in the World" contest, where contestants have to come up with an opening sentence for an imaginary novel that is worse, or at least comparable to, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's first sentence of his 1830 novel, Paul Clifford (and the first line of many of Snoopy's unfinished novels). [Read more]

 All alone, I'm so all alone...  When the Sarah Palin docudromedy "The Undefeated" debuted last week, Conor Friedersdorf happened to be visiting his parents in All Red All the Time Orange County.  He went to see the Sarah movie hoping to interview Sarah fans to find out what the hell they're thinking.  Except he didn't find any.  In fact, he didn't find anyone at all--hardly.  He wrote about it in the Atlantic and -- I don't know -- I just wanted to cry.  I mean, an entire movie about Sarah Palin and even the O [Read more]

I guess you've heard that the Orlando police have been busy arresting people from Orlando Food, not Bombs who have been busy feeding the hungry and the homeless in the city's public parks.  That was a big story in itself, but the even bigger story was that, among the protesters, there was one lone supporter of the police.  He prefers to remain anonymous, but he's pretty clear about why he's supporting them (watch the video from Raws [Read more]

Lo! The deadline approacheth! In New York, the bond traders shred their garments and gnash their teeth! In Washington, the Federal Reserve Chairman foretells a "huge financial calamity." The dollar is falling, the bankers are wailing, the President, it is said, is agitated. [Read more]

My friends, for 35 years we have searched for Richie Cunningham's older brother, Chuck.

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As we watch fireworks tonight or gather with friends and neighbors over barbecues, free from threats from beyond our borders and understanding, it is time once again to celebrate the true meaning of the Fourth of July.  While many thought that meaning had attained its purest and truest expression on July 4, 1776, when our Founding Fathers cast off the yoke of British imperialism, and our nation declared its existence as a state, we all know better after the events of fifteen years ago. [Read more]

 Happy Canada Day (formerly Dominion Day), July 1, and Happy Fourth of July (formerly Independence Day), July 4.  Both days celebrate independence from Great Britain, the only difference being we dropped the Brits in 1776 and the Provinces to the North went on bitching about them until 1982.
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When I saw that Shia LeBeouf told the media that he had "hooked up" with Megan Fox, I was not surprised. After all, I have hooked up with him, as well

Yes, friends, I, noted comma user, William K. Wolfrum, have hooked up with Shia LeBeouf.

The first time was on the set of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We both figured we'd never work again, so what the hell?

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Michelle Bachmann is...

...so flaky that when she showers with Head and Shoulders, she disappears.

...so flaky that if she eats a Hershey's Kiss she becomes pan au chocolat.

...so flaky that she snowed in her own cross country bus tour.

...so flaky that when she goes to KFC, biscuits order her.

...so flaky that she could sell herself in Japan as panko under the brand name Pannko.

…is so flaky that she thought the first primary debate would be held on the Food Network.

…is so flaky that the Gorton’s Fisherman chases her around.

…is so flaky that Eskimoes have 27 words for her.

That is all.  Unless you have others!

Rachel Maddow, dear-heart, I'm begging you--never, ever do beat poetry at the bongo drum AGAIN!  Gawd!  That was painful! I'm telling you, it was excruciating!  I love you truly but that was just gawdawful.  Really.
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I've always dreamed of someday meeting the Dalai Lama (hasn't everybody?); sitting down with him, picking his brain, asking him the questions of the day:  What do you think about war and famine and global warming?  If I knew I was actually going to have the chance, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be working up a joke to tell him.  But then I'm not Australian anchor Karl Stefanovic, who had been saving his best joke (I'm guessing) for his best interview ever only to find it painfully lost, in translation and everywhere else.  Watch this.

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Herman Cain discusses Islam

Political experts across the nation burbled approvingly after Monday's Republican presidential debate in New Hampshire. The candidates surpassed expectations by maintaining human form and refraining from howling, salivating excessively, or biting moderator John King on the leg.

CNN commentator Wolf Frisker remarked, "I was sure that Tim Pawlenty would lunge for Mitt Romney's shanks at least once, but he just sniffed around the anus a little bit, like he was checking him out or something." [Read more]

Sarah Palin knows her history.  It's our history that throws her.  Go ahead and laugh if you want to. Sarah still says Paul Revere was warning the British, and if you can't figure out why, it's your problem not hers.  People who like her (or maybe it was people whose bread she butters) even tried to change the Revere story on Wikipedia to more closely reflect Palin's version.  It didn't happen, but it doesn't matter.  She's just so darned cute, idn't she? Golly.

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We were all a-twitter last week by the big news that a close-up photo of a suggestive section of a pair of gray jockey shorts was sent to a young follower from Rep. Anthony Weiner's Twitter page.  Weiner denies sending the Tweet but seems reluctant to answer the question:  Boxers or briefs?  Yours or Andrew Breitbart's?  Weiner jokes abound.  Weiner snarls.  The Right Wing breaks out the champagne, pours it over Breitbart's head.  Yee Haw!  Done and DONE!
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Speaking as a some-time member of the corporate media, let me just say that Sarah Palin's recent Bus Tour has been driving me nuts. Not only won't Palin tell the Media what the main purpose of the tour is, aside from the hazy patriotic gibberish, but she hardly gives the "Lamestream Media" the time of day!

Now, I understand that Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska half-way through and that it's highly unlikely she'll ever hold a political office again. But what is the bus tour about!?

Also, I know she effectively tanked the floundering John McCain Presidential candidate when millions of Americans reacted to her with a shudder. But why is she touring the nation?! [Read more]

Hey, you heard it here first at the site that specializes in the hottest entertainment news! It seems The Penis in the Anthony Weiner Penis Pic Controversy has accepted a spot on a new reality show with Donald Trump!

The title of the show will be "Trump & The Junk"and highlight the pair's wacky shenanigans around New York and the world, trying to raise awareness for Donald Trump. [Read more]

LIBYA – Speaking from an underground bunker somewhere near Tripoli, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi announced his run for U.S. President.

“I mean, there’s a lot going on right now,” said Gadhafi, who is simultaneously being attacked by Libyan rebels and NATO forces. “But the field just seems so, you know, empty.”

Gadhafi’s bid received an endorsement from conservative leader Bill Kristol, who said he was “dazzled” by the dictator’s humor and conservative ideals on a recent Conservative cruise for politicians and donors.

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 After months of building up to this, on Wednesday Oprah Winfrey said goodbye to her still-huge audience and ended her daytime show. I watched a re-run of her final show last night.  I got through the whole thing and I have to say, it was as dreadful as I hoped it wouldn't be.  Oprah is big, I get that, but a whole hour of watching Oprah congratulating Oprah on her huge success -- well, it made it so much easier to say ho-hum.  (It's not like Oprah is leaving for good to take up knitting or to finally marry Stedman.  She has her OWN network, for God's sake.  She's Oprah.  You really think she's going to stay behind the scenes? [Read more]

MINNESOTA – A wayward elf that froze to death in the snow last December has challenged the entire GOP Presidential Field to a debate on the U.S. Constitution, sources close to the Dead Elf say.

“He’s pretty confident. Or IT is pretty confident,” said the source. "I’m really not sure how to refer to an Elf corpse.”

The challenge comes after literally two consecutive years of Republican Presidential hopefuls butchering the Constitution in order to make it appear it agrees with their often-outlandish views. The most recent come from Pizza Guru Herman Cain, who confused the Declaration of Independence with the Constitution, while admonishing his fan base for not actually reading the Constitution.

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