Michael Wolraich's picture

    Confessions of a Valor Thief

    I am concerned that I may soon be arrested, for I am a shameless Valor-thief. In my defense, I did not realize that it was a crime. I thought Valor was an ethereal substance like Truth, Beauty, and Mitt Romney's political agenda. But our government feels differently. In 2006, Congress passed the Stolen Valor Act and made me a federal criminal.

    Accord the act, I may be imprisoned for up to six months for falsely claiming to have been awarded "any decoration or medal authorized by Congress for the armed forces of the United States, or any of the service medals or badges awarded to the members of such forces, or the ribbon, button, or rosette of any such badge, decoration or medal, or any colorable imitation thereof."

    One of my partners in crime has already been arrested. Xavier Alvarez was an important man in his community, a member of the board of directors of Three Valleys Municipal Water District in California. At a public meeting, he told people that he had received the Congressional Medal of Honor as a Marine. It was all lies. He is a Valor-thief.

    But Alvarez is a petty criminal compared to me. I am the kingpin of a notorious Valor-theft ring based in midtown Manhattan. Over the past six years, I have claimed hundreds, perhaps thousands, of military honors that I have never received, and I fear that I may have to spend the rest of my life serving consecutive six-month sentences for Valor theft.

    I did it for love, for money, and for the sheer joy of pretending to be an official ribbon-strewn American killer.

    It all started in January 2007, when I told my nephew that I had received an Aerial Achievement Medal for hanging one-handing from the landing gear of a Predator drone and hurling grenades onto Al Qaeda terrorists and other Iraqi juvenile delinquents.

    Then in February, I told my boss that I had been awarded Air Force Organizational Excellence Award for keeping an exceptionally clean desk.

    In April, I told a date that I had been awarded the Homeland Security Distinguished Service Medal for disarming an Arab terrorist who had planned to push his sizzling food cart into a crowd of innocent American tourists.

    The next day, I left her a voicemail explaining that I had also been awarded 36 Purple Hearts after surviving 182 bullets, three mine explosions, and a swarm of deadly leeches in Vietnam. When she didn't return my call, I left a few more messages about how I had received a Navy Cross, a Silver Star, a Global War on Terrorism Expeditionary Medal, and a Coast Guard Meritorious Team Commendation (for saving an endangered green sea turtle from a giant octopus).

    At a subsequent court hearing about a restraining order, I strongly hinted, without perjuring myself, that I had received the Prisoner of War Medal after being imprisoned for 18 years in a New Guinean jungle.

    On my ride home in the subway, I told fellow passengers that I had been awarded an Air Force Gallant Unit Citation, a Marine Corps Drill Instructor Ribbon, and a Navy Expert Rifleman Medal. After a scuffle with one passenger--an alleged Army vet--I told the paramedics that I was the youngest recipient ever of the Air Force Longevity Service Award.

    When I returned to work, my boss called me into his office. One of my co-workers had visited my Facebook page, which listed a Coast Guard Recruiting Service Ribbon, a Combat Readiness Medal, and the Secretary of Transportation Outstanding Unit Award. My boss began asking questions about that Air Force Organizational Excellence Award I'd told him about in February. After a brief altercation, I decided to pursue the Valor-theft business full-time.

    There is a lot of money in Purple Hearts, especially on 42nd Street and outside the Ground Zero Memorial. But Purple Hearts get boring so I like to vary it up. The Army of Cuban Pacification Medal is a crowd-pleaser, and the Antarctica Service Medal usually provokes interest. Sometimes, I cross-dress and claim a Women's Army Corps Service Medal. The only one I've never gotten away with is the Civil War Campaign Medal, but I'll keep trying until they arrest me.

    Speaking of which, the Supreme Court has been deliberating over poor Xavier Alvarez's case. His lawyers say that the Stolen Valor Act violates the First Amendment. I hope that those high justices read my little confession. It might help them remember what the First Amendment is all about.



    I just viewed the 1973 version of Day of the Jackal. One of my favorite films.

    This phantom changes identities and visas and cars and costumes faster than Mitt changes his political stances.

    His challenge was to assassinate de Gaulle.

    When our phantom menace finally reaches his destination he feigns a lost limb wearing some army uniform covered in 'lettuce' as they say.

    Here we have Mitt claiming a medal of valor for:


    Kerry risks his life in two different tours during the Vietnam war and all the chicken hawks get their billionaire backers to put forward a book based upon lies in order to take Kerry's real medals away from him.

    neither w nor dicky nor feith nor any of the other fascists within the repub administration had been granted medals of valor for anything!

    And these bastards and their backers had the audacity to make fun of Purple Hearts at the 2004 repub convention by wearing band ades?

    And the media succumbs to the message.

    These new police reality shows are different now because the cops figured out that they had better have video on their cars in order to better convict bad people and in order to defend against civil suits.

    If Kerry had had that type of tech on his boat; he might have become President of the United States.

    Remember the fellow who saved the life of a President and the media just emphasized that he was gay?

    I do know this for sure.

    There are true acts of valor in this country every minute of every hour of every day.

    And they go unnoticed except for the folks who benefit from those acts of valor.

    the end




    You yellow bastard! Were you in Salt Lake City when the shit came down? Have you ever faced down a behind-schedule construction project? Have you known the fear of imperfect opening ceremonies?

    I didn't think so. While Mitt was out there saving our national reputation as an organizer of athletic pageantry, you were probably watching Golden Girls reruns, you parasitic worm.


    I hereby render unto Genghis the Dayly Reply? Award for this here Dagblog Site, rendered unto all of his ass from all of me. hahahahaha

    oh and how is your brother don?



    I saw you at a Vet Parade a couple years ago. You had so many medals on you would sink in the Great Salt Lake. I knew you were a fake, why? You were wearing the Spanish-American War, Occupation of Cuba Medal. Did you look 115-120 yrs. old? No, close, but give it up, you're a joke and a dangerous criminal.


    the end

    To be honest, I only saw the big G 'cuz he had quite a bit more brass decoration then myself, and I was particularly jealous of that Cuba Occupation Medal. If he still has it.....maybe I could pull a trade with a Bush/Cheney (autographed & suitable for framing!) portrait..?

    Speaking as your attorney (you chose poorly...)

    Each of those subway riders is a separate count. You have stolen thirty valors at one breath.

    I saw that movie on Lifetime. Markie Post was superb.

    As somebody who has very often left the impression that I am a 16 time former world heavyweight professional wrestling champion, this issue is very important to me and also to blogger who pretend to be that big orange nitwit Hulk Hogan.

    As someone who has created and continues to write about an entirely fictional town, populated by entirely fictional people, I now realize I am guilty too!  Especially when it comes to insinuating that my fictional town actually exists.  To say nothing of my encouraging my fictional characters to set up their own Facebook pages. 

    Stolen valor was just the beginning... I tell you, it's a gateway lie that leads to bigger and bigger lies.  The next thing you know, you'll be creating towns and cities that don't exist, and before you know it, you'll be running for office!    

    As the self-appointed Mayor of my fictional town, I have no doubt that I will be rotting concurrently in an adjoining cell.  

    Do you play checkers?    

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