Wolraich: Obama at the Gates of... Gates
Dr. C: In Praise of Writing Binges
Maiello: Gatsby Doesn't Grate
Hello, fellow outraged citizen. Are you as outraged as
I am we are? Have you had enough? Are you one of those astute, sentient, breathing persons who has noticed that things are all topsey-turvey and upside down and going over a cliff and getting really bad?
WASHINGTON – The re-election campaign for President Barack Obama has made a $1 million donation to the Mitt Romney campaign. The donation comes on the heels of Romney’s recent foray into foreign affairs, accusing Obama of sympathizing with Islamic extremists, despite the fact that it never happened.
Sources close to the Obama campaign said they wanted to make the donation to give Romney more chances to appear on television so voters could see more of him. [Read more]
It has been several months since I, William K. Wolfrum, formally declared my intention to run for the office that I deserve to win. Since then, I have had multiple donors who have helped me spread my message across this great land.
My message is built on simplicity – I deserve to be elected to the office that I want to win. There are multiple reasons why I feel deserving. For one, I love America. Truly love it. I believe America is the greatest county in the history of countries. More than that, it is better than the nomadic tribes that preceded countries. America is just a kick-ass country and I love it. America is where dreams happen. Which is why I deserve to be elected to that office that I want. [Read more]
Over the years, William K. Wolfrum has made numerous outlandish claims in blogs, on Twitter, in real life and occasionally while sleeping. Such claims demand non-partisan fact-checking to give the public the truth of the matter. That is why I, William K. Wolfrum, have taken it upon myself to fact-check some of these claims. [Read more]
HEAVEN – God, the controversial creator of everything everywhere, has signed a new deal with the Democratic Party that will keep him in their fold for the next four years.
“This is just a thrill,” said God, 42. “There so much uncertainty in this game, but now I feel as though I’ve finally made it.” [Read more]
Yes, Bin Laden is alive and well in Brazil, where he’s running for office in the mid-term elections. His political aims? Apparently disillusioned by Jihad following his Pakistan bullet adventure, he is running to rid the nation of corruption and child labor. It’s a big move for Osama, who once made a living in Brazil in the bug extermination business.
Brazilians aren’t at all fearful of Bin Laden, and for good reason. They have Batman and Robin to protect them. [Read more]
I went to see my shrink today.
"Doc," I said to him after I'd sprawled myself on the couch, "I'm thinking about breaking up with my guy Barry."
"Is that so?" he replied. I like Doc. He's got this way of saying things without saying anything.
"Yeah, I mean, we've been together for what four years now? I'm just not sure it's going anywhere. It's like a...a rut. I was depressed when we started. I'm still depressed." [Read more]
As we all know, there are two - and only two - sides to every story. It's an article of faith in contemporary American political life. He said one thing, she said another. We must, of course, exhibit both sides in order to get a fair and balanced view of any issue. After all, the truth will invariably be found somewhere in the middle. [Read more]
When Republican Rep. Mike Kelly stood in front of the world and stated that the birth-control mandate was comparable to Sept.11 and the Pearl Harbor attacks, it got people’s attention. This was a true game-changing statement in many ways. Mostly, it changed how we Americans should now compare things.
Luckily for all of you, I am here with a handy chart of what comparisons can now be used for various issues. Here are some of the hot-button issues of today and what they can now be compared to:
Saving the Post Office: Two American Civil Wars and raining of frogs. [Read more]
Being an incredible success in life is something I’ve come to grips with lo these many years. And while I’d like to say that hard work and discipline have taken me to my current staggering heights, we all know that’s a load of nonsense. There is but one reason why I am the successful man I am:
I’m cultured like a son of a bitch.
Yes, my friends, I got the culture like I got the clap – lots of it and it itches like crazy. This culture has helped me easily navigate life’s problems and has made me rich beyond your wildest dreams. [Read more]
My friends, the United States of America is at a crossroads. These perilous times have seen a rise in racism, misogyny, and outrage. The union cannot survive this level of anger for much longer.
This why it is vital for White Males in America to begin a serious and mature discussion about these issues. We must be open and honest about issues of race and gender. It is up to us to help America regain harmony. [Read more]
Are you feeling bored? Are your ratings lower than a Jerseylicious repeat? Do you try to please everyone but end up just pissing people off?
Well, maybe it’s time to ask your doctor about Wolf Blitzer.
Taken in mass doses, Wolf Blitzer will leave you feeling refreshed and ready again for the world. Just one extra hour a day of Wolf Blitzer will give you the energy and purpose you’ve always wanted. [Read more]
According to percentages, most Americans will not only not be rich, but will in fact go through their lives without even knowing anyone really rich. This explains why Mitt Romney can be a perplexing individual for average Americans to understand. You’d be thrilled if you found $250. He’s worth $250 million. There’s just no way to relate.
Luckily for Americans, we have all been exposed to literally hundreds of millionaires and billionaires via television and movies. While this may seem an odd way to learn about a candidate for President, the fact remains that most Americans are informed about this planet via fiction. [Read more]
Demonstrating the shrewd political acumen for which he has become known, House Speaker John Boehner has come up with a new strategy to galvanize American voters before the election. Seeking to top his electrifying "Pledge to America" campaign from 2010, Boehner promised yesterday a bold new plan that may be the popular Republican campaign in history: Debt Ceiling Standoff, Take Two.
The Speaker is aware that the debt ceiling is a complicated legislative mechanism well beyond the understanding of most real Americans, so he asked me to help make sense of it. I will now take several questions from an imaginary interlocutor in order to help the ignorant electorate understand this exciting campaign. [Read more]
“We’ve been together so long that I knew it was now or never,” said Johnson.
So Johnson went out and purchased a $1,500 ring from Zales, went home, knelt before his duck and proposed marriage. Sadly, his proposal was met with indifference. [Read more]
Noted liar-for-Christ David Barton has been making the media rounds lately, pushing another book of blatant history revisionism. Having been a blogger for quite some time, I consider myself a leading expert on just about everything, especially Thomas Jefferson and the Founding Fathers. Thus I feel it is vital for me to set the record straight and show to the world that Barton is a daft poppy-head (apologies for the technical historical lingo). [Read more]
As Mitt Romney begins his general election battle against President Barack Obama, intrepid reporters and pundits have stumbled across something about him that should terrify us all – Mitt Romney hates cookies.
Recently, in Pittsburgh, Romney insulted cookies from Bethel Bakery. This insult has reverberated across the nation. What kind of man hates cookies? I’ll tell you – an evil man. [Read more]