William K. Wolfrum's picture

    U.S. Constitution hospitalized following suicide attempt

    WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Constitution, the long respected legal document of the United States government, is in serious condition at George Washington University Hospital, following a suicide attempt late last night. Sources close to the document say it despondently tried to shred itself in a nearby office shredder at approximately 11 p.m. Monday.

    The suicide attempt comes after many have warned about the health of the Constitution, which has grown increasingly despondent the last four years. The Declaration of Independence said the last straw was likely seeing U.S. tanks rolling through city streets and kidnapping protesters.

    “Man, Connie saw that and you could see the lights go out,” said the Declaration. “It's an amazing document that is just being ignored.”

    The road to the suicide attempt started on Election Day 2016, when many Republican politicians ignored the obvious interference in the election. This was immediately followed up by a reckless array of emoluments that the Trump family accepts, which goes on to this day. Again, Republicans who have had control of the Senate ignored the flagrant violations.

    “This took a lot out of Connie,” said the Habeas Corpus Act of 1679, from its bed in a French nursing home. “But we all thought justice would prevail.”

    Unfortunately for the Constitution, the violations continued unchecked, including: bypassing the Senate to build portions of a wall-type structure on the border; using foreign policy to benefit himself; interfering in Senate investigations and a host of others violations, including blatant 1st Amendment violations, hints at forcing private citizens to quarter soldiers and tampering with Census data.

    While it remains unclear as to what will happen next for the U.S. Constitution, the Declaration of Independence gave a cryptic warning.

    "Connie has mentioned leaving the 2nd Amendment in its place and just taking off, maybe finding some citizens who still recognize its importance," said the Declaration. "You know how they say 'The Constitution is not a suicide pact?' Well, ignoring it absolutely is."

     

    --WKW

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